Friday, October 31, 2003

There is the question of whether to keep a beloved fantasy solely within the realm of the imagination or to break through the walls of one's mind and make those things a reality. There have been those who have served me who have told me that they were searching for a long time for a Mistress. Some never dared take that step until they came across my site, where they discovered an intelligent, heartfelt conveyance of erotic perversion which struck a chord with their own deepest desires. Never before had they found someone to dominate them who articulated and embodied the secret cravings that stirred within them. Then they came to see me, experiencing the unforgettable. And opening the door to another world ripe for exploration.
[Though I am admittedly biased, I do think that fulfilling the fantasy of being dominated by a sexy, smart and twisted woman is one worth taking up. Beyond my own self interest, I see such an exchange as vital to understanding the true nature of sexuality, gender and power in all their malleability. It is similar to how knowing another language broadens one's horizons.]

Above and beyond female domination, there may be other acts which tug at one's psyche. Often it is the unspeakable, the sordid, the shameless. Public exposure, cuckoldry, coerced bisexuality or forced feminization are a few that really seem to hit a nerve. Perhaps this particular activity gets played out in your head whenever you touch yourself. Maybe it is so powerful that you can always rely on it to push you over the edge to orgasm. It's the perfect fantasy. Do you dare make it a reality? Could it ever live up to what you've imagined so well for so long? When it's all said and done, will you still have your fantasy intact?
It reminds me of the dilemma of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden with the fruit of knowledge. To live in peace with what you have -- or some would say blissful ignorance -- or to seek more? And once you know, will you be cast out of the paradise of your own mind's creation? Yet can it ever truly be paradise if it is bottled up rather than shared?
For some, the answer is easy. To live is to act upon one's desires, to pursue what makes one feel good. I know a fellow adventurer of the erotic who sees the fulfillment of his fantasies in terms of the Buddhist ideals of detachment from passion. Each fulfillment extinguishes a fire and brings him closer to the truth.
I too have built up desire, only to see it brought crashing down in flames. Yet from the ashes arose a phoenix, powering my flight to new heights. I wouldn't be where I am today if I had not said "yes" to making my fantasies real. With each step in my evolution, I have mourned the passing of these last vestiges of innocence, while at the same time reveling in my newfound knowledge and powers.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Even though this blog is just 1 line buried on my Links page, many of the people who come to see me tell that they read and appreciate it. I conceived of this as a way for me to relate my thoughts, ideas and background in a highly personal manner without being specifically limited to talk of BDSM and the fetish scene. I've been told that I really put myself out there, that I almost make myself vulnerable by what I write. Yet I think it's important to push past the tired stereotype of an inhumanly invincible domme who never frets or doubts, who is always right and ready. There is true strength in baring one's soul. As all good players and artists know, it takes guts to open up and let others inside one's mind.

Innately, I possessed the core of a natural domina. And through the gaining of knowledge by direct experience, I have built upon that core to manifest myself as a self-assured woman of many talents. But as they say: the more you know, the more you realize that you know so little, for learning is an endless journey. So I believe humility has its place, no matter how far one has progressed in one's personal development.

True confidence and intelligence do not need to be advertised. And certainly, possession of these qualities should allow for admissions of imperfection or other feelings which may fall outside the portrait of an ominipotent ice queen.

I think I really began to connect with my submissives when I shed that veneer of what I thought a domme should be like, and let them see the real me. In all my dualities and complexities. That's when I realized that the real me is as good as it gets. And getting better all the time. . .

I found this passage by the poet Rashani to be particularly powerful in its elucidation of the dualities of life:

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken. There is a shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable. There is a sorrow beyond all grief, which leads to joy. And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength. There is a hollow space too vast for words through which we pass with each loss, out of whose darkness we are sanctioned into being.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

I recently did a deeply philosophical and surreal roleplay focusing on the unreal versus the real. My sub wrote this piece spontaneously after our scene together.


Under Wednesday evening's full moon, I had a dream. At first all was dark,
or at least without light. I sat in a void, aware only of my own breath.
Then, a voice; little more than a whisper, entering the space and wrapping
around me. The fingers of the wind traced lightly over me.

When at last I could see, there was a dark creature beside me. It had the
external form of a beautiful woman, but was more than a woman. It flowed
silently around me, through me. First I could not move. Then I did not
want to move.

The chair vanished, I don't remember how or when or why. I lay on my back
as the hot winds of the desert and the arctic cold washed over my naked
body. I stretched, writhed like some primordial creature, between pain
and not-pain. Vision came and went and came again. My breath came fast
and hard. The other continued to move fluidly, silently, a dark blur
within a space distinct from all other existence. Now the other became
both woman and man, interior and exterior, passive and aggressive, light
and dark, all things at once, and nothing. I melted into it, and it
melted into me. My mind touched its mind for a brief moment, and we
became one entity, twisting through the endless void of eternity, in non
space and non time, forever and in the moment.

Finally the walls of the room once again became apparent. As I came back
to what we call reality, she stood before me, nearly naked, once again in
the form of a beautiful woman. Our smiles expanded, became ripples on a
pond, then waves on an ocean.

Then I stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the full moon, through gnarled
tree branches in silhouette. Once again, I smiled.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

I just added Mistress Heart - Artistic & Elegant Dark Domme to my prodomme links. Thanks with your help on those banners!

Wednesday, October 8, 2003

I posted the following on Max Fisch in response to the query: "Do you think at all about the possible political aspects of BDSM, especially of professional domination?"

Personal as Political & Beyond

As the old feminist line goes, the personal is political -- so of course, on some level there are politics to professional BDSM. Being a prodomme in practice is really about enjoying myself and helping others to explore new realms. Yet in theory it very much is a political decision for me to do this kind of work. I feel so fortunate to live in a time and place where a woman can be accepted as multi-faceted - powerful, beautiful, erotic, twisted, bold, intelligent. . . the list goes on. I see my craft as a dedication to all the great women in the world who have dared to walk outside convention, bearing pride instead of shame, to overcome the odds and tell the tale of their discoveries.

I know not all my clients see eye to eye with me on issues of gender, power and the like. And certainly, I'm not one to engage in uncomfortable political discussions when I'm trying to make a connection. So the great thing about doing a scene is that within any particular roleplay and activities one engages in, I have found that there is enough room for each player to interpret and find fulfillment in their own unique fantasy. Ideally, you leave your outer persona at the door and walk into the scene ready to play with a sense of true freedom from the trappings of the "real" world.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003

I enjoyed a wonderful massage earlier today. I have heard my masseur described desparagingly by another masseuse as being "unmerciful", but I find his deep tissue technique with its relentless breaking of muscle knots to be just what I need. I guess you could almost call it SM massage :-) It certainly releases the endorphins. Mind you, I wouldn't ask this of a sub in session, as I leave such an intense workdown to the expert!

I realized today that one thing I really like about topping with strap-on play is the visual aspect of being able to see the movement of my "cock" going in and out of my slave's ass (nicely shaven is best). It typically is the penetrator that gets to see the action, while the receptive partner is a bit obscured from what's actually going on, which I've always found a bit frustrating (in my personal life, I used to have a laughably good time holding up a vanity mirror to try to get a peek at what was going on down there!). Perhaps it's all those years of watching porn where the camera is the point of view of the fucker rather than the fuckee (is that a word? ;-) So when I strap it on and train my well-groomed sluts, I truly get a rush from this facet of the female-male role reversal.

Monday, October 6, 2003

Living in my house growing up, there was always intellectual stimulation and creativity. We had constructed a parallel universe with its own belief system, at times opposed to convention. For better or worse, we were a matriarchy -- where the women and girls were served by the men and boys without question. Yet we were also in the middle of Hollywood before the days of "girl power". In this conflicted environment, I was constantly thinking about the constraints of society. I was restless, angry, seeking, questioning, commenting on society at large.

Now, I have crafted a life for myself once again. A parallel universe with its own belief system, in almost every sense opposed to convention yet grounded in a superior morality. But this time I pay little heed to "normal"society. Rather than chafe at its bounds, I simply ignore it and choose to live as I do with a sense of freedom. What I have gained is a feeling of contentment and happiness. What I have lost is the sharpness of my perceptions of society at large. It's all right to have one's own little dream world, though not forgetting what lies beyond. . .