Friday, June 30, 2006

Away for Independence Day

I am heading out of town for the holiday, returning to The Gates Friday the 7th 11am-8pm. Have a good one...

Saturday, June 24, 2006

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I confess to being a bit of an adrenaline junkie. I love the rush of a hard-driving experience. Whether it's working out, dancing all night or topping one of my submissives, I revel in breakthrough moments when pure, overwhelming intensity washes over everything. Getting swept up in a whirlwind of energy, yet never losing control completely as one spirals through pleasure and pain.

The charge that comes with dominating is often not a directly physically-induced sensation. Much of it depends on establishing a good connection with the slave. Being highly attuned to the permutations of their masochistic and submissive leanings as we act them out. The pleasure I derive is almost like a contact high. It's being there psychically, so that I also ride out the peaks and valleys of their journey.

For me, being a sadist is not about remaining the outsider, simply observing the pain of another. I like to call myself a sadomasochist because the word blends the twin concepts of sadism and masochism, hinting at their yin-yang duality. When I am guiding a scene and a space of ecstatic SM is created -- be it from physical or psychological torment -- I am immersed in a way that is bigger than any individual self, and in this sense I am both sadist and masochist.

I have always had sadistic inclinations, but I have not always known how to deal with them in a healthy way. I remember making my little brother stand on a stool to reach up for something in the cupboard, just so I could pull it out from under him and watch him fall. I remember seeing how many times I could bring my little sister to tears, then console her, then bring her back to tears again. I remember verbally castigating my older brother countless times for what I perceived of as his emotional weakness.

I am not proud of these childish forays, when I was still finding my moral compass. I did not know how to be a decent sadist -- certainly never heard of safe, sane and consensual! I only knew that it sometimes felt good to be mean, but that it also made me feel like there was something wrong with me. At the worst of times, I felt rotten to the core. Sadly, conventional society provided very few pointers.

Back then I was an angry kid, frustrated at a world that just didn't seem to fit me, particularly in my sense of gender-power relations or sexuality. How could I know then that there was a perfect place for me? That one day I could be happy playing "mean" to people I genuinely care about. And that afterwards they wouldn't try to make me feel guilty for these darker instincts, but would applaud me and pay tribute to me for my talents. I count my lucky stars :-)

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I had a fun shoot yesterday with photographer David Perry, who is awesome to work with -- creative, exacting and at the same time easy-going. In this photo I'm wearing a vintage kimono and holding a bo-ken, which is a wooden stick used for practicing samurai sword-fighting.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Four Years

This past Monday marked my four-year anniversary as a professional dominant. Since I have been with The Gates from the very beginning, Monday also marks my four-year anniversary at the Bay Area's premiere House of Domination.

I am still having the time of my life! I love being a pro domme. And I love the women of The Gates. I consider it a rare privilege to be a part of this community of strong-willed women so diverse in lifestyle and background, yet who are all sexually open-minded and agreeable :-)

It really is quite special to work with so many unique and independent spirits. We have different ideas about what this is all about. Different fetishes turn us on or off. Yet we share a space of non-judgment and camraderie with one another. I am grounded at The Gates and I know that feeling of centeredness is transferred into my power play.

I feel so fortunate to be able to support myself doing this work. It's been so much fun that one of the bigger challenges has been not turning into a workaholic! ;-) And with that, I bid you adieu*