Wednesday, October 25, 2006

All Star Doms Interview

Goddess Calico of All Star Fem Doms recently interviewed me. You can read it here.

Have a wonderful day!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Coming out as a Dominatrix

It feels so good to "come out" as a domme. Not to everyone, mind you. I appreciate that my mysterious image allows me the choice of who to let in on the secret. Yet when it's right, it feels so liberating!

There are people in my life who do not know what I do for a living. I tell people when necessary. Yet in the end, those who know me best know that I am a dominatrix. It is such a big part of my life that I want to share it with those closest to me. So it was with this in mind that I revealed my vocation to a wonderful woman who I have known for years on a social basis. We met through mutual friends in the party circuit. In that environment, it can be hard to casually throw out this information. It becomes such the focus of fascination, drawing in everyone in the immediate vicinity in a way I am not always comfortable with. Yet I knew if I was ever to connect with her on a deeper level, I would need to open up to her.

So when she called me up to invite me to a dinner party, something inside me told me it was the right time to reveal myself. The timing was fateful indeed, as she and I seem to be at similar crossroads with our work, which both entail balancing creativity with business acumen. And now that she knows what I do, she has offered to contribute her talents to further refine my online presentation. So it's all worked out for the best!

Truth be told, not every "coming out" story has turned out so well for me. That's why I now proceed with forethought and discretion in these matters, allowing my intuition to lead the way. It isn't that I am ashamed of what I do. But I know not everyone is ready for my truth.

Friday, October 20, 2006

SM is good for the soul!

I had a wonderfully languid yet hard-driving scene the other day. It was over two hours of sadomasochism and sensory deprivation play. Delivering intense sensations to a cherished submissive in a quiet, calm manner over a generous period of time achieved an amazing sense of release for me -- and I believe for my slave as well. What a special and unique experience to be able to act out aggression and suffering in such a controlled and deeply caring way. I truly consider it a gift for all involved.

There are times when a scene I am in nudges me toward some breakthrough in my growth, giving the key to a fresh insight. It almost always surprises me. Perhaps it's my very lack of expectation, along with an openness to understanding, that leads me to uncover these truths.

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I recently added my blog to the Technorati network (see my new sidebar). Spreading the word! In the same vein, I was motivated to "come out of the closet" as a dominatrix to a former publisher and editor from my previous life as a journalist. I am interested in reaching out to a wider audience, so we will see what comes of it. Baring my soul was terrifying at the time, but afterwards I felt relief -- lighter and freer :-)

Friday, October 13, 2006

All Hallow's Eve

Autumn is in the air. That cool, crisp moistness blowing through the breeze. Darkness descending upon the days.

The change of seasons is not such a dramatic shift on the west coast, yet it still seems momentous to me. "Feels like fall." Something about that phrase flows so well for me. Maybe it's that my favorite holiday, Halloween, is just around the corner. And then my birthday arrives a few days after that. El Dia de Los Muertos is a pretty cool day to be born, if I do say so myself!

Halloween is such a fun holiday because it's the one day where I come out as a dominatrix -- and everyone just thinks I'm kidding, anyway! I get to reveal a side of myself I usually am quite private and protective of, and it feels liberating ane exhilarating. All right, maybe it's not the most original costume for yours truly. But come on, I have so many awesome fetish outfits and it's nice to don them on occasion outside the dungeon :-)

Last year I went to a big party dressed up in my black latex along with a girlfriend on a leash. What a reaction the two of us generated all night! Most people were intrigued by this set-up. A few playfully challenged the dynamic by trying to flirt with my collared friend. As the evening wore on, more men came directly up to me -- perhaps the liquor having emboldened them to reveal their hidden desire to submit. We had a blast adding a little twist to the vanilla sexiness all around us. Display of sexual possession on that level definitely peaks people's interest.

So the next time you are at a costumed affair and there is a vinyl-clad vixen amongst the crowd, just think... She might not just be playing at the role for one night, she may be the real deal ;-}

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Xia-BDSM.com temporarily unavailable

Hello Lovelies :-) Don't be alarmed when you check out my main site! It is down for technical maintenance and should be back up in the next day or so. . .

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Lifestyler?

I have never claimed to be a lifestyle dominatrix. I am not a regular
attendee of BDSM play parties at the Citadel or other semi-public playspaces
(I prefer private scenes without an audience. I am not a performer on that
level). I socialize with a select few in the pervy community but I do not
adhere to slave-Mistress protocol in everyday situations or believe in 24/7
total power exchange relationships.

Yet nothing that I do in a session is disingenuous. It is reflective of who
I really am: a strong, independent and kinky woman who is beholden only to
myself. Though I may not utilize the same formal structures of the
dominance/submission dynamic in my day to day life, I am anything but
vanilla or submissive in the way most women have been trained to be --
whether they like to admit it or not.

My life outside The Gates both mirrors and is the inverse of my life as a
Mistress. At The Gates, I have a stable of slaves who serve me well. I
craft a unique connection with every person who serves me. I share my
energy with these individuals, yet none possesses me. And though we may
actively exchange emails between sessions, at the end of the scene we each
go back to our respective lives.

Outside of the dungeon I am a committed polyamorist. I engage in multiple,
long-term relationships with enlightened women and men. Jealousy is a
virtual non-issue because we are secure in ourselves and do not cling to a
sense of attachment. Certainly, there are obligations as there are in all
relationships but there is also a sense of liberation -- the feeling that
one wakes up each day and chooses to be with the people one is with.
I believe this web of parallel relationships, each person occupying a
special niche in one's life, can be immensely fulfilling.

One may be reading this and thinking, "Wait a minute. If you believe in
freedom in relationships how can you also enjoy the idea of enslaving
another to your will?" This is where gender comes in. I have often
commiserated with other amazing women how too many men have felt threatened
by our power, intelligence, beauty and sexuality -- all that we are, all
that makes us great -- and therefore react by belittling our
accomplishments, criticizing our decisions and just generally trying to make
us feel small.

At one point, I thought I would give up completely on the entire male
persuasion. But then I found a better solution. If they weren't willing to
treat me as a true equal, then I would teach them a lesson in subjugation.
Give them a taste of their own medicine. And have wicked fun in the
process!

I acted out this desire to even the score well before the thought of
becoming a dominatrix was on my radar. It manifested as a fuck 'em and
leave 'em attitude, where I'd literally kick a guy out of bed. I wanted to beat him to the punch, get him far away before he started with that annoying yet predictable possessiveness. It's like they've staked their flag in the ground and feel the need to start pissing on you to mark their territory. Yawn. I never
dated and only had one night stands because I figured men were only good for
one thing!

Obviously, my reason for being a Mistress has expanded since that initial
concept. I definitely still mine those bittersweet emotions of a voice
stifled and misheard, but is isn't all about revenge anymore. Thanks to my
own evolution as a domme and as a person -- as evident in this blog, my
website and my actual sessions -- the vast majority of those who see me are
pretty awesome people.

I continue to find the femme domme dynamic so compelling in large part
because it begins with the assumption that I am in control and I can make my
own rules. And no matter whether I am in the dungeon or outside in the
"real" world, that's what works for me.

©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, October 7, 2006

Witch

I sometimes feel like if I were born in another time I would have been branded a witch. For my unwillingness to submit to a man, for the strength of my character, for my confidence in my own abilities, for my unapologetic hunger for the sensual, for my fierce intelligence and for my intuitive powers of seduction. I imagine being branded the devil's consort and condemned for fear of the world I represent.

It never ceases to amaze me how some men who have seen me seem to think that behind my role as dominatrix lies a simple, conventional woman. That I am really just waiting for the right man -- a knight in shining armor to save me from this debauchery.

I have known for a long time that I am not like most women. And I don't say this because I believe I am better than the norm. I don't mean to demean the many women out there who strive to find a husband, dream of walking down the aisle in a white dress like a princess, and fetishize the role of wife and mother. Obviously this fantasy plays an important part in our society, otherwise it wouldn't have withstood the changes which have taken place since the feminist movement of the '70s.

I think it's much easier for men to exempt a woman from all the backward, traditional rituals which still make up modern male-female interactions when the woman calls herself a lesbian. And I know other dommes who, though they may sleep with men as well as women, define themself as queer. Yet somehow this seems to avoid the main issue to me: that there is another way for men and women to interact intimately. That even if a woman enjoys being erotic with a man, that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be wined and dined, given flowers and candy, her precious beauty flattered endlessly, her very being treated like a prized possession waiting to be taken. These trappings of romance do little for me if not outright offend my sensibilities.

At times I like to think of myself as a gay man in a woman's body. When I visualize my dealings with men in an almost non-gendered way, I feel the most power. The dogma underlying how a woman is expected to act with a man is inculcated in all of us from day one. I find myself having to remain constantly vigilant of its creep. It's a sad reality that sometimes the more familiar a slave becomes with me, the more he thinks he can relax back into an everyday male-female dynamic, which by virtue of our patriarchal society is more male domme than femme domme or even equal. And so there is continual correction of this behaviour, shifting the energy back into these roles which I find so much more appealing in the first place.

Well, don't lament too much for me. I feel fortunate to have created a space (online and in the dungeon) to express how I feel things should be -- if not for everyone, at least for me!

©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, October 5, 2006

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Luscious Ladies in our Lovely Latex

Tuesday, October 3, 2006

One of the things I most appreciate about what I do is being able to play with individuals who I might not get a chance to interact with in the "real world." Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm a snob outside of the dungeon. It's more that we all inhabit our insular little circles -- by necessity and choice -- and that there just aren't the same opportunities to get acquainted with so many different types of people with such interesting and varied backgrounds. It's a nice haven from all those structures and social rules which keep us on our various tracks.

Monday, October 2, 2006

I used to be trapped in the belief that all relationships have to be completely reciprocal. That the only way one could be balanced was to have each one-on-one dynamic perfectly balanced. Now I take a most wholistic view, with my various interactions occupying the niches necessary to achieve an overall symmetry. Life is so much more complicated than the easy answers.

In the past I have written about being a responsible top by asking oneself the question, "Would I want that done to me?" The answer does not always have to be a straight yes to work. Sometimes, the answer is more like, "No, I wouldn't want to be treated like that. Yet that is exactly how women have been put down, held back and restrained through out history, and I want to show this man what it feels like so he can understand, empathize and thereby grow in awareness." Female domination allows the male submissive an opportunity to practice symbolic repentance, atonement and ecstatic catharsis for the traditional suppression of women's natural powers.

When I think about being a Mistress or Master, my ideal often falls into the vein of Eastern martial arts and spiritual masters. Those who have mastered themselves through self-discipline, control over one's emotions, and self-reflection. With BDSM play, I envision a balance of the placid, serene qualities of truly being at ease along with the more wild, driving and fierce energies which exist within and all around each of us. So once again, each engagement may swing the pendulum from one extreme to another, yet the whole encompasses an overarching equilibrium.