Tuesday, November 28, 2006


A great martial arts master once said that a true warrior will spend as much time learning how to heal as she does learning how to fight. And it is also said that true strength comes from working on one's weaknesses. Balancing yin and yang, we can more fully embrace the subtlety and complexities of life.

So with this in mind, I have embarked on a journey of learning the healing arts alongside my continued explorations as a domme. I have said before that being a dominatrix comes quite naturally to me. Ever since I can remember, I have been an assertive, strong-willed and confident person. These qualities serve me well in my work as a dominant. And now I feel compelled to broaden my outlook, pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone and allowing myself to get in touch with a more nurturing side.

I have come to realize how my own desire to appear "strong" has influenced my choices in life. I exuded a steely hardness in my personality so as not to be perceived as a fragile, weak, or any of the other adjectives we too often associate with femininity.

Yet lately I have come to question this conventional view of strength vs. weakness and consequently how I have embodied dominance in my craft. Have I simply internalized the sort of oppression that we have only recently started to shed? Does my power have to rely on the subjugation of another's will?

Perhaps dominance does not simply have to be a reversal of male dominance, but can be a complete re-defining of power dynamics. I am far from clear what that new definition would be. But I am excited to pursue this new line of inquiry.

It's strange though, how fear of change still nags me. I have been so successfully rewarded for being the way that I am, that a little part of me clings to it. I have cultivated that which makes me different from most women -- my emotional stoicism; my boldness regarding sexual matters; my lack of interest in traditionally "girly" things like make-up, the color pink or women's magazines; my disdain for hearing perfectly fine-looking women show their insecurity when talking about their looks and weight. I cringe at the thought of losing my uniqueness. Yet in the end, I know that my evolution will not take away from who I already am, only build upon it, enhancing the best aspects while shedding vestiges of a more immature self.

Of course, there is a time and place for developing traits of tenderness, a soft touch and healing energy. Just as the warrior knows that the time to heal is not in the heat of battle, I doubt I will be directly incorporating my new knowledge into my SM scenes. Indirectly, I look forward to an increased awareness of how energy plays a role in power exchange and even greater empathy towards my submissives. But this is all conjecture, for where this takes me has yet to be written.

Wide open to the possibilities. . .

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

On Beauty

Hmm.... I do not like this term "provider", at least not referring to me. I actually cringe at the thought that I am a service provider, and continue to move further away from this conception of my craft as I rely less on the income it generates for me.

I suppose that is the unadulterated ideal of a Mistress anyway: one who indulges in these daliances purely for her own enjoyment rather than for financial gain or the approval of men. And really, that is how it started out for me.

You see, I was a bit naive when I embarked on this career and did not know about the online review system. Seeing my work framed in this way -- lumped together with more explicit sex workers, my face and body rated on a scale of 1-10, feeling spyed upon in an imtimate situation -- it was earth-shattering at the time.

Ah well, casting away the illusions which we hold so dear is vital to one's growth, painful as it may be. It did make me face my Achilles heel, which I am sure many women share with me, namely a vulnerability to male judgment of my looks. From the time we are little girls, we are taught that our worth is inextricably connected with being pretty.

Women who do not subject themselves to the glare of criticism may never face this fact because they usually only see the positive side of it. Yet I have learned that accepting validation through rosy appraisals of my appearance only makes me open to feelings of rejection should any less-than-stellar assessment creep into my consciousness.

Now my typical response to compliments on my looks is "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." I mean, why should I be pleased that I am judged better than other women on this superficial front? Like some tap dance for the spotlight, elbowing each other as we say to the men "No, look at me!"

Beauty is so unique. Yet by turning it into a competition we encourage homogenization and standardization to the point of boring "perfection." And anyways, I no longer accept the authority of those who seek to judge me on this surface level.

Monday, November 20, 2006

More on Closed Doors

I received an interesting response from one of my submissives about my last post "Why I Keep It All Behind Closed Doors." He wrote about how in meeting outside the dungeon it would be impossible either to fully acknowledge or completely ignore the D/s nature of the relationship, making for an awkward and ultimately unfulfilling exchange.

I think what makes it particularly challenging is the fact that, for better or worse, we do not live in a femme domme world.

In public, or even in a private setting that is purely vanilla, there is a strong pull towards conventional male-female dynamics. These patterns are so deeply engrained in all of us that they can be hard to escape. When one is surrounded by the manifestations of male dominance, interacting with others who are working on this assumption (e.g. in a dinner setting, the waiter may automatically confer with the man when taking the order), it can be a struggle to preserve the integrity and dignity of a true femme domme experience.

Obviously, a case can be made for attempting to break some of these patterns and illuminate another template for gender power dynamics. Yet I think there is a time and place for such things -- not necessarily when Mistress is attempting to enjoy her dinner or engage in a scene!

I see the dungeon as a refuge from the male-dominated world. A place where my power as a woman is not questioned, but rather assumed as my birth right and cherished as such. We create an alternate reality and revel in it.

It reminds me of how I feel during Pride week in San Francisco. Though I do not identify primarily as queer, I am always overwhelmed with feelings of hope, joy and love when I am in the middle of these festivities. Because for one weekend, it's OK to be sexually different. And everywhere you look, us freaks are getting it on! The outside world is turned on its head, and for a few days you can vividly imagine what it would be like to have an alternate reality be the predominant way of life.

Why I Keep It All Behind Closed Doors

I thought the following might be instructive. . .

The former slave who I talk on the phone with on a rare occasion is not allowed to session with me (the erotic part of the connection feels strange now that I know him as a friend). Other experiments in offsite meetings have all fallen flat and ended. It seems much more difficult for that Mistress-slave connection to remain tenable in the world outside of The Gates. I have tried, believe me. But it has just been a hassle, needless misunderstanding and waste of perfectly fine relationships that are meant to remain within a dungeon setting. "Xia" does not really exist once I step out the door. This is an aspect of my personality I value, even hold sacred, and cherish within the protective chambers of my lair. It is like a plant that requires very specific environmental conditions, so that once it is taken out of the hothouse it quickly shrivels up and dies. . .

Sunday, November 19, 2006

"The Insightful Domme"

As I am sure so many of you do, I occasionally google my name to see what comes up. It's quite gratifying when I find that my blog entries are being quoted on other sites.

I am mentioned and quoted in Femdom Weblogs & Forums, which states that I am "among the more self-insightful and eloquent professional dominatrices."

DownOnMyKnees.com: Kink Notes by a Pansexual Polyfetishist also quotes my blog, referring to me as an example of the "insightful ProDomme."

In Femdom Blogs, a post of mine is excerpted under the heading "BDSM's Advantage: Clear Communication."

One thing that I'd still like to find out is what kind of traffic I am generating with my blog. My Alexa toolbar only shows me the ranking for the entire Blogger network, but I am sure with a little more research I can figure this out as well...

Yup Google Analytics looks like the way to go!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

New Gates Profile

Mistress appreciates all the wonderful birthday wishes!


I recently updated my description on The Gates site to more accurately reflect my current stage of development as a domina. This summer was a time for me to step back, reflect and push forward in my evolution as a powerful, well-rounded woman of the world. I love that this craft allows me room to expand and diversify my interests, pursue new approaches and refine tried and true favorites.

My focus now is on honest connections, rather than mere fantasy roleplay. Mind you, I still believe that assuming different roles can be a liberating experience. Yet these avatars should serve to shine a light on one's own personal truth rather than enable further running away from the unpalatable or shame-ridden. We learn to embrace ourselves in all our wretched glory and celebrate the strange beauty of our existence.

Whenever I enter a new phase of my growth as a dominant I must brace myself for that groundless feeling of not knowing. Will there be submissives who are ready and willing to accept my new powers? I can never know. I can only have faith that I must move forward. And so far, I have been fortunate to find thoughtful and caring individuals who feel privileged to embark in this dance of power with me.

Here is my new Gates text:

Delve into sweet submission in my seasoned hands. Sophisticated, intuitive, alluring, my stunning Eurasian beauty and powerful presence will bring you to your knees.

Wielding absolute control over my submissives, I combine devious discipline with precious rewards in my slave training. Adept at both mind games and sensation play, I am driven to explore the intensity of sadomasochism alongside the delicious control of psychological and physical restraint. Sexuality, gender and power form the rich territory of my decadent playground.

Succumb to the feminine divine and bow down to a true goddess!

My knowledge and experience shines through in my naturally seductive, commanding style and the ease with which I engage in a diversity of approaches to hold slaves in my thrall. I excel at tapping into myriad layers of desire, claiming darkly sensual yearnings and beautifully twisted fantasies as my own.

Picture this. . . Purring a teasing taunt in my captive's ear, a throaty laugh escapes from my luscious lips as I coax my submissive to new heights of pleasure and pain. With a firm hand I grab my slave, moving in closer as my hot breath tantalizes the senses, throwing him off for what comes next. . .

My power is subtle yet unyielding as I pursue my passion for the perverse with excellence and elegance. No doubt, serving me will be a wickedly memorable experience. Surrender to the extraordinary woman that I am and discover the ecstatic joy of a bittersweet release.

Favorite Activities:

Slave Training
Rewards & Discipline
Corporal Punishment
Bondage & Restraint
Roleplays & Psychodrama
Face-slapping & Hair-pulling
Light Breath Play & Choking
Electroplay (TENS & Violet Wand)
Sensory Deprivation
Behavior Modification
Firm Control
Gender Play
Foot Worship