I have never claimed to be a lifestyle dominatrix. I am not a regular
attendee of BDSM play parties at the Citadel or other semi-public playspaces
(I prefer private scenes without an audience. I am not a performer on that
level). I socialize with a select few in the pervy community but I do not
adhere to slave-Mistress protocol in everyday situations or believe in 24/7
total power exchange relationships.
Yet nothing that I do in a session is disingenuous. It is reflective of who
I really am: a strong, independent and kinky woman who is beholden only to
myself. Though I may not utilize the same formal structures of the
dominance/submission dynamic in my day to day life, I am anything but
vanilla or submissive in the way most women have been trained to be --
whether they like to admit it or not.
My life outside The Gates both mirrors and is the inverse of my life as a
Mistress. At The Gates, I have a stable of slaves who serve me well. I
craft a unique connection with every person who serves me. I share my
energy with these individuals, yet none possesses me. And though we may
actively exchange emails between sessions, at the end of the scene we each
go back to our respective lives.
Outside of the dungeon I am a committed polyamorist. I engage in multiple,
long-term relationships with enlightened women and men. Jealousy is a
virtual non-issue because we are secure in ourselves and do not cling to a
sense of attachment. Certainly, there are obligations as there are in all
relationships but there is also a sense of liberation -- the feeling that
one wakes up each day and chooses to be with the people one is with.
I believe this web of parallel relationships, each person occupying a
special niche in one's life, can be immensely fulfilling.
One may be reading this and thinking, "Wait a minute. If you believe in
freedom in relationships how can you also enjoy the idea of enslaving
another to your will?" This is where gender comes in. I have often
commiserated with other amazing women how too many men have felt threatened
by our power, intelligence, beauty and sexuality -- all that we are, all
that makes us great -- and therefore react by belittling our
accomplishments, criticizing our decisions and just generally trying to make
us feel small.
At one point, I thought I would give up completely on the entire male
persuasion. But then I found a better solution. If they weren't willing to
treat me as a true equal, then I would teach them a lesson in subjugation.
Give them a taste of their own medicine. And have wicked fun in the
I acted out this desire to even the score well before the thought of
becoming a dominatrix was on my radar. It manifested as a fuck 'em and
leave 'em attitude, where I'd literally kick a guy out of bed. I wanted to beat him to the punch, get him far away before he started with that annoying yet predictable possessiveness. It's like they've staked their flag in the ground and feel the need to start pissing on you to mark their territory. Yawn. I never
dated and only had one night stands because I figured men were only good for
Obviously, my reason for being a Mistress has expanded since that initial
concept. I definitely still mine those bittersweet emotions of a voice
stifled and misheard, but is isn't all about revenge anymore. Thanks to my
own evolution as a domme and as a person -- as evident in this blog, my
website and my actual sessions -- the vast majority of those who see me are
pretty awesome people.
I continue to find the femme domme dynamic so compelling in large part
because it begins with the assumption that I am in control and I can make my
own rules. And no matter whether I am in the dungeon or outside in the
"real" world, that's what works for me.
©2006 Xia Vox. All Rights Reserved.