Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Healing through Hurting

I was in my bodywork class, hovering over a classmate as I applied the healing knowledge we had just been taught. As I worked on him, I realized that I had never partnered up with a man before. Actually, that's not true. I had teamed up with a very nice gay Asian man during another class. But this was the first white man I'd worked on -- the typical demographic for my submissives -- and it triggered something in me. As I located the different muscle groups on his neck, I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to beat him.

"What am I doing here?" I thought for a second. "No, it's all right," I told myself. "I'm expanding my horizons and that's a good thing." I took a few deep breaths and continued focusing my energy gently.

I decided to take this course in the healing arts for my personal growth, to push beyond my comfort zone. Rather than stay safely within my areas of expertise, I wanted to get in touch with my more nurturing side. Believe me, it has been a challenge!

For one, in my everyday existence I am not the most somatically inclined. I'm someone who lives inside my head -- thinking, imagining, planning, analyzing. Yet it has become more and more apparent to me that being centered in one's body is vital to mental clarity.

I feel that I'm already there during my D/s scenes. The play is intuitive to me and I naturally move with the flow. And so I 've wanted to grow that awareness beyond the extraordinary rush of a power exchange to everyday life. Strengthen that mind-body connection. It has been a new journey for me. And up until now I wasn't sure where this path was taking me, and whether my being Mistress would continue to fit in.

It's really two sides of the same coin. Firmness with gentleness = SM domination. Gentleness with firmness = somatic healing. The thing is my personality is so obviously biased towards the former. And today in class I realized that was OK, that I wasn't there to change or undo all that has made me who I am, that I was simply acquainting myself with a new language for relating to others.

I've wanted to be more balanced, so that I'm not "monolingual" in the sense that asserting myself as an alpha female is all that I know. [Interestingly, my major injuries have all been on my left side -- which coincides with "yin," the one half of yin-yang associated with emotions, receptivity and the feminine. It's been suggested to me that getting more in touch with my yin energy would be beneficial.] But that doesn't have to mean the demise of Mistress Xia. Long live Mistress Xia!

Wrestling with this endeavor, as someone who's so used to being teacher's pet and top of the class but now finding myself struggling to take it all in, I have gained an even greater appreciation for how much fun I have as a dominatrix. It's an unexpected side effect -- helping me realize how good I have it. After all, I can get spoiled without any perspective and forget how blessed I am.

I shared my thoughts on all this with a good friend. She laughed and said "Your healing is hurting. And you are so cute. You are the cutest bitch!" That made me smile. I used to think you couldn't be thought of as "cute" and be taken seriously as a domme. Breaking the mould. . .