Thursday, October 9, 2008

Busy with Studies, Happy to Move On

I am so busy with school, and this will likely be the case for the next few years! I am loving it, but it has given me less time to blog. I am still writing - summaries, analyses, arguments and reports. I find myself challenged in new ways in that respect. In the past, I'd always rested on my laurels, relying on my innate facility. But I am no longer interested in taking the easy way out. I know enough now to realize that often times the work involved is there for a reason, that each experience can be an opportunity to expand one's understanding and skills, and that shirking it off can end up only cheating oneself.

It makes me chuckle now to think how caught up I was in the pro domme gig. It was awesome and I have no regrets. But it is liberating to not be focused on that level anymore. I can't believe how much I had started to worry about how pretty I am and how competitive I had begun to feel towards other women. I mean, the gods gave me my looks and bisexuality so that I wouldn't have to be like that, for heaven's sake! Admittedly, I still take a peak at all the domme boards and review sites for a vicarious thrill. When I was in it, I couldn't stand to look at those things, I felt so laid-out bare vulnerable as someone in the business, the subject of pointless petty discussions on such vulgar topics as my strap-on technique. Ok I know I'm a bit of a hypocrite like that, to be sex-positive and disdain such things, but really it has to do with one's underlying philosophy and approach as a Mistress, and for me that meant attempting to instill a high degree of dignity and discretion to the craft. When the queen steps down from the pedestal to consort with the submissively-inclined and perverted, must she necessarily wallow in muck? I think not!

Another aspect of the work that I will not miss are some of the entanglements I found myself getting into with session playmates. I never did the dating thing in high school, having surmised that my male peers at the time were simply not mature or deserving enough to engage with. I was content to read my pornography and play with myself until I got to college. So what a bizarre surprise to find echoes of the sort of dysfunctional, childish relationships I witnessed but did not participate in during my teenage years - echoes in the random dynamics I fell into with so-called regulars. Thankfully, as I refined my outward presentation via my website and blog, I scared most of the less evolved ones away! But what a trip, to find myself dealing with such regressive behavior during the highly personal interactions which occurred in session, when I had so deftly avoided such silliness in my real life.