Monday, June 16, 2008

Being There

Over the course of multitudes of conversations with seekers of professional domination, I have gleened more times than I would like to admit a chasm separating my own mentalité from that of my prospective submissive. Part of this gap may be attributed to the parallel but not always overlapping points of view typically embodied in the male and female minds.

Beyond that, the source of the disconnect seems to come from a lack of critical thinking and presence in the moment. Projections, assumptions, stereotypes - they all come from lazy, pre-packaged thinking, which in turn is indicative of a lack of awareness of what's right in front of you. Lost daydreaming up our latest fantasies in our heads, we fail to see the human being in the room with us.

I get the feeling some prefer it that way. For whatever reason - be it shame, fear or disdain - some people do not want to really lay their cards down on the table, let you in their heads and truly engage. In my experience, it has been the most frustrating and ultimately dispiriting to walk through a scene with someone who really doesn't see me. I'd rather have someone insult me with a sexual request than act like I'm some Mistress fill-in-the-blank automaton, just going through the motions. This is not mindless manual labor. This is a craft inspired by heart and soul!

Folks like this will be better off when virtual reality is good enough to fool their brains into thinking avatars are real people. Unfortunately in the meantime, they will continue to torment dominatrixes who are interested in exploring authentic human connection.

I reconciled myself to these disconnects with the following compromise: if they cannot truly understand me, then at least they can worship me. And I don't just mean the euphemism of worship=getting sensual, but the concept of worship in a grander sense.

Of course, the Mistress is supposed to love the idea of being worshipped. We each reflect the sacred to one extent or another, and as such there is a god or goddess within us all. I have this lofty perspective now. Though I confess that when I got my start, I craved worship purely as a form of ego-buffing. All that fawning can get to your head. I did get a wake-up call early on during a double session, when I heard a submissive say all the same things he said to me to another domme, who was completely different from me in almost every way. That's when I realized so much of what comes out of both the sub and the domme's mouth are these canned sayings.

It's fascinating to watch others go through the same process. I enjoy seeing the excitement of initial discovery that comes from training a woman with latent dominant powers. I remember watching my apprentice H admiring herself in the mirror during a scene, and I knew she was thinking the same things I used to think of: how hot she looked in her fetish outfit, how much of a badass she was strutting her stuff, how fiercely and beautifully she ruled over these men.

It's funny how things change. Now when someone describes me as this all-powerful, exquisite goddess of supreme powers, I roll my eyes. It's cute. That stuff no longer does it for me. It kind of bores me now. But I'm glad because that means I no longer need that kind of puffing up. I'm too busy working on other things.

Another aspect to being a Mistress which usually goes unquestioned is the idea of having followers. Sometimes I'll take a critical point of view in this blog and I'll get an email vociferously agreeing with me while at the same time attacking the target of my critique to a point far beyond my own objections. It's a bit frightening to see how the game of telephone works on a psychological level. I suppose that's how we got zealotry in the first place!

I sometimes think some women and men like to take on the submissive role because they don't want to have to do the hard thinking. Maybe they know they're not that good at it. And I guess that's OK. Still, it's slightly unnerving when I feel like people are swallowing my words whole rather than doing their own chewing and digesting. I assume in my readers an understanding that underlying everything I write is the subtext: think for yourself. We each need to analyze opinions within the context of our own unique lives. In terms of self-awareness, there can be no Mistress to do the job for you. We must each be our own master and commander.


I'm so taken with Manhattan. Right now, I am resonating with the no-bullshit, let's get work done attitude, the joie de vivre and the prickly heart. It's like LA but with culture and intelligence. LOL did I just write that??

I am contemplating staying out there for a month or so next summer. Never say never! You may recall me declaring as much in an earlier post regarding my retirement. I'm mulling it over at the moment, and am seriously considering taking sessions when I am in New York.

I've been in San Francisco for 12 years now. I've traveled quite a bit during my time here, though I've only left for an extended period once when I studied spanish in Costa Rica for 3 months. I am feeling the travel bug biting deeper into me again, especially the pull towards big, hi-tech megapolises. A short trip to Tokyo is in the works as well.

We'll see...