Today I was supposed to participate in a round-table discussion with other local dominatrices that is set to be aired on Current TV. I decided against it.
I wrestled with this decision, as I saw it as an opportunity to contribute to an intelligent discussion of femme domination. Though in the end, I figured if I've gone this far without showing my face, why do it now?
Although I am not ashamed of what I do, I believe in using as much leverage as possible in life. I am not one to paint myself into a corner. I like to keep my options open.
I do applaud my peers who boldly reveal their visages on their websites. For those willing to take the risk, It is a great example of how dominas are truly different from others within the erotic realm.
Speaking of, look at the big commotion we are currently having over the governor of New York's indiscretions. When I was abroad during the Monica Lewinsky affair, foreigners I encountered were dumbfounded by America's seeming inability to accept the reality of typical, adult male sexual behavior. No doubt, many would view this latest scandal in the same light.
I do have mixed feelings of how session dominas are lumped in with other women engaged in eroticism for fun and profit. Not until I took down my Eros ad did I realize how relieved and happy I felt, not to be on that site anymore with its escorts and masseuses. As if being a Mistress is just an extra spicy appetizer on a plate full of female delights.
Surrounding myself with women who have been drawn to this craft, I have made friends with many who come from a very different background and approach than myself. A fair number of ladies fall into domination after trying out stripping, sensual massage, escorting or the like. More power to them for having the flexibility and strength to engage in these activities. I've learned to reserve judgment, for we are all so different. Yet I know deep down I'm uniquely authentic in this role, having never entertained men in these conventional ways. My friends who have say as much.
I came to session domination as an amateur - a swinger who occasionally attended fetish balls giddily dressed up in a burgeoning collection of vinyl uniforms, corsets and slick feline-inspired attire. I was blissfully immune for the longest time to the more blatantly commodifying aspects of the vocation. The more my eyes opened to to it, the less thrilled I was to put myself out there. Like many women who employ eroticism for gain, I was like a horse with blinders, unconsciously shielding myself from the distasteful side of the work.
In her memoir, Jenna Jameson talks about the fantasy of stripping and the reality of the hard work and ego-battering involved. I have had similar bubble-bursting shifts, from the first time I heard of anonymous online reviews with their cold-blooded ratings of attractiveness and "service" to the time a good friend confessed that she was a high-end escort and made ten times as much as me.
Hookers. What a trip to find that some of my dearest friends are prostitutes. How naive I was back in the day, when I would argue with the head mistress of The Gates over whether or not professional domination is sex work. I jumped in without knowing that the men usually touched themselves - or even that they stripped naked - in session. I just had a vague notion of wearing my cool fetish outfits and acting like catwoman. Well, at least I got that right!
This is how far I've come. When one of my first boyfriends mentioned he had visited prostitutes before we met, I was blown away. In my academically-nourished version of feminism, exploitive, sexist men who oppressed and objectified women did these things. Not nice guys I dated. I actually had to take time off from the relationship to decide whether or not I wanted to continue to be with him.
That was before I realized that almost all men will pay for sexual services at some point during their lifetime. I believe it's the nature of the sexual dynamic that exists between men and women - that men have to pay, that women never have to, and often can get paid. Perhaps the taboo applied to sex work is an attempt to cover up this power imbalance, shaming the women for having the power and charging for it.
So I'm pretty open-minded now. But I will admit that as some of my friends have moved into more explicit sex work, it has compelled me to move farther away from any association with it. Part of me is proud of their accomplishments, that they are some of the highest-rated and most expensive courtesans out there. They are beautiful, sophisticated and highly sexual creatures, unabashed in their financial ambitions and their ability to get what they want out of men.
The other part of me struggles with their decision to focus their creative and clever minds solely on the task of being an amusing companion, eye-candy and plaything on the arm of a wealthy man. These are ladies from good families with parents who are scientists, doctors, serious professionals. It makes me wonder if I could ever be proud of a daughter who is a prostitute.
You may think me a hypocrite for such a statement, especially as a Mistress who is paid tribute. Here's how I see it. I half-jokingly like to say that a pro domme is a lot more like a nun than like any other kind of sex worker. Maybe it's just that I'm not the romantic type, but I've come to believe that prostitutes have more in common with trophy wives and fiancees with the big rocks on their fingers than they do with me. I've always cringed at the so-called submissive who acted like we were on a vanilla date. OK, so we are all on Eros. To me, the extent of the likeness stops there. The difference, beyond the obvious of who assumes the dominant role, is DENIAL.
Indeed, since closing my stable to newcomers, I have become the ultimate tease and denial Mistress! For almost six years, I extended the invitation to apply for servitude. Those who have been around, have had their chance. As for novices, they are better suited elsewhere, my patience for the inexperienced having waned over time. Writing to me now to request entry, telling me that you have been an avid reader of my blog, merely reinforces my opinion that an opportunity was wasted, and not by me. Announcing in advance my impending closure would have been too easy, and only necessary if my primary motive were to milk this for all it's worth financially.
Mistress honestly believes in teaching real lessons in this world, an endeavor made easier now that this has shifted to diversion for me. When I was ready to slow down, it had to change right there and then. Not giving notice may seem "unprofessional" - one reason I no longer define myself under that rubric. When it comes to a craft as intimate as this, the pressure to act "professionally" has always rubbed me the wrong way. To expect someone to act as if the responsibilities involved are as straight-forward and impersonal as the duties of, say, an accountant or dentist is slightly ridiculous. What we do is intensely personal, as tied-in as it is to our moods and passions, as well as our physical bodies.
It does make me laugh that I have to spell this out: my closure is not an ingenious marketing ploy, despite the wave of inquiries I have received ever since! Though I regret any missed opportunities to be served by worthy true believers, surely there are others out there to worship in my place. I am content with my circle. Kinky thoughts and blessings to all. . .
