New Photos

I just published two new galleries entitled Strength and Beauty. I also added new photos on the "Mistress Xia" and "Slave Profile" pages of my xia-bdsm.com site. Enjoy!

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Away for Independence Day

I am heading out of town for the holiday, returning to The Gates Friday the 7th 11am-8pm. Have a good one...

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I confess to being a bit of an adrenaline junkie. I love the rush of a hard-driving experience. Whether it's working out, dancing all night or topping one of my submissives, I revel in breakthrough moments when pure, overwhelming intensity washes over everything. Getting swept up in a whirlwind of energy, yet never losing control completely as one spirals through pleasure and pain.

The charge that comes with dominating is often not a directly physically-induced sensation. Much of it depends on establishing a good connection with the slave. Being highly attuned to the permutations of their masochistic and submissive leanings as we act them out. The pleasure I derive is almost like a contact high. It's being there psychically, so that I also ride out the peaks and valleys of their journey.

For me, being a sadist is not about remaining the outsider, simply observing the pain of another. I like to call myself a sadomasochist because the word blends the twin concepts of sadism and masochism, hinting at their yin-yang duality. When I am guiding a scene and a space of ecstatic SM is created -- be it from physical or psychological torment -- I am immersed in a way that is bigger than any individual self, and in this sense I am both sadist and masochist.

I have always had sadistic inclinations, but I have not always known how to deal with them in a healthy way. I remember making my little brother stand on a stool to reach up for something in the cupboard, just so I could pull it out from under him and watch him fall. I remember seeing how many times I could bring my little sister to tears, then console her, then bring her back to tears again. I remember verbally castigating my older brother countless times for what I perceived of as his emotional weakness.

I am not proud of these childish forays, when I was still finding my moral compass. I did not know how to be a decent sadist -- certainly never heard of safe, sane and consensual! I only knew that it sometimes felt good to be mean, but that it also made me feel like there was something wrong with me. At the worst of times, I felt rotten to the core. Sadly, conventional society provided very few pointers.

Back then I was an angry kid, frustrated at a world that just didn't seem to fit me, particularly in my sense of gender-power relations or sexuality. How could I know then that there was a perfect place for me? That one day I could be happy playing "mean" to people I genuinely care about. And that afterwards they wouldn't try to make me feel guilty for these darker instincts, but would applaud me and pay tribute to me for my talents. I count my lucky stars :-)

I had a fun shoot yesterday with photographer David Perry, who is awesome to work with -- creative, exacting and at the same time easy-going. In this photo I'm wearing a vintage kimono and holding a bo-ken, which is a wooden stick used for practicing samurai sword-fighting.

Four Years

This past Monday marked my four-year anniversary as a professional dominant. Since I have been with The Gates from the very beginning, Monday also marks my four-year anniversary at the Bay Area's premiere House of Domination.

I am still having the time of my life! I love being a pro domme. And I love the women of The Gates. I consider it a rare privilege to be a part of this community of strong-willed women so diverse in lifestyle and background, yet who are all sexually open-minded and agreeable :-)

It really is quite special to work with so many unique and independent spirits. We have different ideas about what this is all about. Different fetishes turn us on or off. Yet we share a space of non-judgment and camraderie with one another. I am grounded at The Gates and I know that feeling of centeredness is transferred into my power play.

I feel so fortunate to be able to support myself doing this work. It's been so much fun that one of the bigger challenges has been not turning into a workaholic! ;-) And with that, I bid you adieu*

FYI: I am heading out of town until the 6th. I won't be checking my messages while I'm gone.

I read an interesting article in San Francisco Chronicle Magazine called Wired for Life, which looked at concerns over how much time young people are spending plugged in via computers, cell phones, text messages, blogs, video games and web-based communities. Even though it was focused on school kids, I found it to be a thought-provoking article for anyone who spends a fair amount of time online.

The Gates website was down for a while last Friday. I happened to be taking sessions at The Gates that day. We received quite a few calls letting us know that the site wasn't working. One man seemed genuinely put out by this. Perhaps feeling like he wasn't getting his fix? ;-) I mean, it's not like we make vast changes on it from day to day.

I admit that at times I worry that some of my followers may be hooked on the computer. Hey I've been guilty myself of getting sucked into the Matrix. As with all things from which we derive pleasure -- whether it be computers, food, sex, shopping, gambling, drugs or even exercise -- moderation is key.

From conversations with "old school" dommes, I know that the internet has profoundly changed professional domination. I also know that my comfort and proficiency in this brave new world has been to my advantage. Moderation can sometimes be a challenge when one sees a direct correlation between the amount of time spent online and the level of interest in sessions, especially during the early stages of building one's stable of slaves.

Thankfully, I have been well sought out for some time now and can therefore spend less time plugged in. It feels good to be able to get away from that glowing screen. After all, a Mistress shouldn't be a slave to anyone or anything, including her computer!

Yet in the big picture, I think all this interactivity is a good thing. When I was growing up I spent hours and hours watching television. I absorbed a lot of crap, but also found myself rebelling against stupid messages about womanhood, beauty and romance.

TV is basically a one-way street, which like all old media is frustratingly ineffective as a true platform for debate and change. There's very limited avenues for viewers to participate in the creative process. So having the youth of today blogging, sharing music and playing games together doesn't seem so bad in comparison.

Actually, the most disconcerting part of this Chronicle article was the writer's detailing of all the junk food these kids were eating while online. Cans of pringles, high-caffeine sodas and candy. Now that is depressing!

On a whim, I decided to netflix Maxim: The Real Swimsuit DVD: Vol 1. I was pleasantly surprised by their choice of models. They were all exotic with unique faces and naturally sexy bodies. The aesthetic of the shoots featured -- like the tropical island they were set on -- was hot, lush, wet... I recommend it!

I was perusing the Max Fisch message board and came across a discussion about the merits of house vs. independent dominas. Though specifically addressing the New York scene, I thought Diana Balance's well thought out response did an excellent job of highlighting the overall pros and cons. You can read the thread here.

I am so thankful to not be caught up in that old debate anymore. I am secure in myself and having the time of my life as a Lady of The Gates.

When I first started out, I fell for a lot of the talk about what made a real pro domme. I was first exposed to the belief system that you learned the ropes, so to speak, at a house. Then when you "graduated" you went off on your own as an independent.

Watching woman after woman leave The Gates to follow this well-worn path, I honestly had a bit of an inferiority complex. Yet something told me to not follow blindly; not to take for granted all the benefits that a collective offered. I am glad to have exercised such caution.

In the time I have been with The Gates, most of the ladies who chose independence are no longer active professionally. There would often be a big show of spreading one's wings, casting off the restrictions of a house for liberation. There would be expectations of a big splash into the wider world of pro domination. Then finally, rumors of loneliness and lack of security. It reminds me of that song, "Is that all there is?"

Early on, when I still naively believed I could never achieve true legitimacy working out of a house, I decided to investigate my options. Yet I treaded lightly, testing the waters rather than jumping in head-first. After all, did I know how cold or deep those waters were? Did I know where the rocks were just underneath the surface?

When a respected former colleague put up her website shortly after leaving The Gates, I decided I would also create my own pages. Why couldn't a domina at a house have a signature site, where she could detail her interests, guidelines, specifications and the like?

During several forays to Los Angeles, I would put up a visiting ad in Eros and experience a taste of things as an indie -- taking phone calls and arranging my own sessions. Though I had a great time playing out of the Wicked Garden, I did not feel compelled to cut off my association with a house. After seeing it from both sides, I concluded that my gig at The Gates was perfect for my needs.

I can understand why from the man's perspective, seeing an independent domina would be preferred. You have her telephone number and get the pleasure of hearing her voice when arranging a session. She arrives at her private space especially for her date with you. You two might even be alone on the premises together. I can see how he would find this set up advantageous.

Yet in my mind, being so accessible compromises my sense of dominance. It begins to feel too much like I am doing the serving. I like the idea of hanging out at The Gates, with the possibility of a few submissives paying me a visit while I'm there. Now this is not a judgment on my independent sisters. It is simply how I feel and what works for me. And in this endeavor, one's approach must be highly customized in order to be truly fulfilling.

Some admit to seeing me despite the fact that I session out of a house, while many prefer this arrangement as much as I do. As long as an appropriate attitude of humility and gratitude is present, I am happy to be served by both.

A few things you should know about my email practices-

I am often on the go when I am not at The Gates, so typically I check email during the day using my phone. If you are perplexed as to why you are sometimes given a wordy reply and why other times my message is extremely brief, don't think too much about it. It's more than likely that in the latter case I have punched in the text via my cell.

With regards to scheduling, please note that The Gates handles my appointment bookings. They will know better than me my latest availability on any given day. I do sometimes coordinate directly with out-of-towners who need to plan their trip far ahead of time as well as those new to The Gates who opt to send me a deposit to secure an advance appointment.

Otherwise, going back and forth with me via email to try to schedule a session will be slow-going compared to calling The Gates at 510.261.7243. It is not rare for me to have prime spots already reserved beforehand, so it's best to call up as soon as possible to get the time you desire.

I offer these tips to avoid disappointment and make it that much easier to serve me. Hope this helps!

The role of dominatrix continues to fascinate me. There are so many reasons why I love what I do. High up on that list is the broad range within which I can practice this craft. The vast array of activities and approaches that all fall under the rubric of BDSM and fetish allows for virtually endless explorations.

As my four-year anniversary approaches, I find that there is still so much room for growth. Perhaps it is because so much of what I learn acts as a catalyst for changes beyond my role as a domina.

I mean what is a scene if not the quintessence of human interaction? A connection at once fundamental and complex: physical, sensual, emotional, spiritual, creative and intellectual. This play becomes a metaphor for the shaping of my life.

We play with darkness and light. We make games out of the taboo. There is a timelessness to it. A sense of the primal. We are acting out ancient roles -- the archetypes of our collective consciousness. We are goddesses, queens, priestesses, warriors, witches. The sacred and the sexual reunited. Worship of the divine feminine unearthed. Yet hidden away from modernity in these scary, Medieval-looking dungeons. Seems fitting somehow...

I think for a while there I was very much into the sadistic aspects of domination. Lately I have been balancing that out with more control- and service-oriented training, as some of the latest additions to my stable are not so much masochists as submissives. Keeping things interesting!

I finally got around to sorting through my photos from my trip to Asia in February. I found this fountain sculpture in a crafts market near the Golden Triangle. An elegant and exotic goddess as beautiful and natural as her surroundings. Gorgeous!

Please note that I sometimes need more than a week to get caught up with emails. Of course, if you have not heard back from me in a couple of weeks -- or if it's time-sensitive -- feel free to send a follow up message.

Stepping out to blue skies and a shining sun. Enjoy your day!

Tuesday April 18th now 3pm-10pm

The recent additions to The Gates staff have allowed us to go back to double shift days. So on Tuesday the 18th I will now be taking sessions from 3pm to 10pm.

Schedule Update for Mondays & Friday: Now 3-10pm

Slight change in time that I will be at The Gates this Friday and the next two Mondays. I will now be at The Gates 3pm to 11pm Friday the 14th as well as Mondays the 17th and 24th.

Note that whatever time is listed for the last session -- whether I am listed as there 3-10pm, 10am-5pm or 11am-7pm -- the latter number bracketing my availability is the latest start time for a one-hour session. So on a day where I am available from 3pm to 10pm, last session would be from 10 to 11pm. I've noticed quite a few pre-books lately ending right before that last hour, so if you are trying to get the latest appointment possible do keep this in mind!

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Everyone seems to be bewailing the waterlogged weather, yet the longer it stays wet the more I am enjoying it. I procured a stormproof jacket and pants which has made walking in rain a lot of fun. Even in a downpour it's not so bad. Rain can feel very sensual and enlivening, as long as you don't get too soggy! Being from LA, I find just about any change of season exciting ;-)

On rare occasions, I find myself sucked into watching the boob tube (for something other than my favorite show Battlestar Galactica, that is) and whenever I do I remember why I like the set better off than on. Especially bad are those entertainment shows which go on about the weirdest and most mundane little things that have to do with members of the celebrity class. I feel sorry for the utter lack of privacy these stars endure.

I have a pretty awesome life, if I do say so myself, so turning off the television is easy because I have much to look forward to in my real world. But it's amazing how shrill and controlling the media can be -- all these horrible messages about valuing oneself and achieving one's dreams presented through this very narrow, rigid lenses. Throw in a load of hypocritical judgment of others to brace the fragile yet overly enlarged ego and voila! it's modern mass marketing and media.

Thank goodness for blogs, podcasts, homegrown websites and other alternative forms of expression to strike a balance. It's funny because I've heard more than one person bewail all this guerilla media. "If everyone blogs, who will read it?" they say. There is a sort of nervousness at this hyper-proliferation of ideas, words, images, video et al. A comfort with the monolithic order of traditional media.

I subscribe to a more village view of things: smaller groupings of genuinely interest-aligned individuals sharing artistic expression and celebrating life. Basically, media as a representation of various subcultures. And it's already happening.

I recently watched some old episodes of The Honeymooners for the first time, wanting to check out this classic of early television. Interestingly, in a few episodes the plot revolved around watching TV or being on TV and dealt with some of the social implications of this new technology. It made me realize that TV shows today rarely directly address the viewer. That invisible forth wall is no longer acknowledged. By erasing a certain level of self-consciousness, it becomes harder to question what is being fed to the viewer, who is essentially treated as non-existent or assuming the role of the omniscent.

It should come as no surprise that I click best with those who think critically about what they take in.

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I am just starting to read an interesting memoir called Timepass. It is about the life of Protima Bedi, a classical Indian dancer, model and wife of a Bollywood star who led a scandalous and liberated life.

A good friend and former domme lent it to me. And just in the nick of time, as it gave me an excuse to stop reading another book which had become more and more unpleasant.

I had gotten almost halfway through a very thick science fiction book which had really begun to irk me. It had some violent undercurrents in it, with women and children being butchered. As the story went on, these themes became stronger and more explicit. Well actually, the killings of the children, though disturbing, were extremely light on detail. Yet the terrorizing of the women was told quite explicitly, distastefully and in a way that showed the author's true colors. It was so obvious to me, as I read this crap, that the author was living out his sick fantasies. Of course, all the while taking a righteous and condemnatory tone against the character who's acting it out. Whatever...

Back to more pleasant topics, then! I do love reading about the lives of unique women. Another great read is Athenais: The Real Queen of France, which is the scintillatingly decadent true tale of King Louis XIV's mistress Athenais de Montespan. Beautiful, brilliant, and a key participant in France's highly influential culture of Versailles, Athenais had to live by her wits in a time when women were denied conventional avenues of power. A juicy story!

My Email

It recently came to my attention that messages to mistress@xia-bdsm.com were bouncing. I switched to gmail last year but kept the same "reply to" for convenience sake. So anyways, my xia-bdsm.com email has been choked full of spam and I had to go clean it all out.

For those who have been attempting to reach me to no avail, I encourage you to try again. Either mistress@xia-bdsm.com or xia.bdsm@gmail.com will work. Though it sometimes takes me about a week to answer, I do make an effort to reply to all serious, appropriately directed inquiries.

Have a great weekend everyone.

I remember when I first started as a pro domme, if I took a vacation it would be such a trip to get into doing sessions again. Jumping into the "real" world after a streak of playing hard, then showing up at the dungeon with my mind still miles away, there would be serious cognitive dissonance going on in both directions.

People say that after a break, the familiar can feel fresh and exciting. Over and above that, my first day back I would be positively shocked as I engaged in the outrageous exploits which occupy my day-to-day existence at The Gates.

For years, I had only imagined of such incredibly wild and kinky fun happening behind closed doors. And here I was living the life of a dominatrix. Why watch movies when you can play out your own hot story?


After almost four years of having the time of my life, returning feels awesome in a different way. I realize now that I am completely taken. It's in my bones; it's a part of me. I miss it when I am gone and cherish it that much more when I am back -- the twisted eroticism, the camraderie with my fellow players, the delicious submission of my slaves. It really is like coming home.

Ah, the sweet smell of it all...

I am easing back into things since returning from my vacation abroad, enjoying being served as a Mistress once again. Travelling is lovely. Thankfully, my life at home is pretty groovy ;-) And now people are telling me that I seem chilled out from my three weeks off. It'd be nice to be able to keep this leisurely feeling. My time in Thailand was particularly impactful. I've been dreaming of spicy green curry, hotel mini bars full of Singha and iced coffee, the streets teeming with crazy sexy bar girls.

And I have a headful of ideas percolating about the ladyboys of Siam. Once I have it all sorted out I'll post my thoughts -- at first, I was mentally taking notes, composing an essay in my head, but it seemed like the more I witnessed, the less clear it all became! A whirlwind of sensory input to ponder.

Mind you, I would never want to winnow down all that I actually experienced just to make a good story. For the sake of my readers though, I will have to make rhyme and reason of it. Yet those days in Thailand exist in my memory not so much in a linear fashion, but more as a series of impressions.

I read an excellent thriller on the plane back that was like a hallucinatory version of my trip. It's called Bangkok 8 by John Burdett. Bangkok reminded me of a futuristic dystopia a la Blade Runner. Perpetually non-moving traffic jams full of cars, motorbikes and even elephants; pirated music, software and clothes crowding up the sidewalks alongside roasted beetles and barbecued meat sticks. I could go on... OK, definitely to be continued. Gotta run!

Novices, I love being the first!

Taking a break from my sweet little playground and reaching out to the wider world is always a good thing. I can lead a fairly spoiled, insular existence here in my San Francisco bay area community of party people, artists and pervs. Experiencing a parallel reality, thousands of miles away, makes me all the more grateful for what I have, while opening me up to new ways of doing and being, thereby deepening my understanding of the human condition. And yes, my trip to Asia was also a whole hell of a lot of fun!

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On the subject of novices, I know that some of my peers - whom I respect greatly - would rather not deal with them. Indeed, the learning curve can be steep for would-be slaves, with many potential stumbles along the way. The dynamic of Mistress and slave, which is so familiar to a seasoned femme domme player, can be quite alien to one green to all this. And unfortunately, cluelessness in this arena may easily lead to offense. What might work in a vanilla (aka conventional) interaction with a woman often just won't do for a Mistress.

Yet I have found more and more that I enjoy my encounters with newbies. Perhaps it's their freshness which is so contagious and invigorating. And the rush of being able to truly shock and surprise the novitiate, while being the first to guide them to the heights of blissful submission. Ah yes, the joys of turning someone out! It can make me rather giddy to deprave a supplicant in some deliciously wicked fashion. To see a look in their eyes of "yes, dreams can come true" or even the nonplussed look of "yikes, what have I goten myself into?!" can be a real thrill.

I do not expect novices who serve me to know everything already, though I do appreciate when one does their homework. More important to me is the proper attitude: receptivity to my ideas, attentiveness to my commands, humble acceptance of one's lack of experience relative to me. In the beginning of one's journey of servitude, intention means more to me than purity of action. Perfection is not necessary; an appropriately deferential attitude is most important!

I am back! Tanned, relaxed and raring to go. ;-) I promise to post more soon.

I'll be heading off to the jungles of Asia for 3 weeks after the 17th of February, so serve me while you can...

The Gates is Moving

Exciting News! We will be moving to a nearby location later this week. It is within sight of our current house, so remember not to ring the wrong doorbell :-)

I am sure there will be an adjustment period as we settle into our new space during these next few weeks. Patience as we get everything set up. When we are finished the payoff will be more playrooms with fun themes and lavish decor. It's going to fabulous!

Recently, I was asked why I write my blog. It took me a moment to formulate an answer, as for me it is now such a given. The desire for self-expression is one of the most fundamental urges. Art feeds upon itself.

I remember skimming through The Diaries of Anais Nin when I was young. My mother was a big fan of her work and would frequently check out a volume of her prolific diaries from the library. Perhaps this French literary figure/femme fatale's steamy exploits, lyrically recorded in her private journals, were an inspiration as well. If you are not familiar with Anais Nin's diaries, you might have heard of the film Henry and June about her romance with the writer Henry Miller and his wife June. "Just one page of Nin's extraordinary diaries contains more sex, melodrama, fantasies, confessions, and observations than most novels, and reflects much about the human psyche we strive to repress," writes Donna Seaman of Booklist.

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I just finished the Jenna Jameson memoir I mentioned in my last post. Now that was a harrowing tale. No doubt about it, she graduated from the school of hard knocks: a chaotic, neglectful familiy life, unsavory, exploitive men, self-esteem issues and drug addiction. The path she has travelled and the things she has experienced are very different from my own. I am fortunate to have been raised by a loving family who supported me throughout my schooling here and abroad. It was an intellectually inquisitive and socially progressive home where I was never pushed to grow up too fast. In large part because of my stable roots, I avoided all those problems -- abusive men, eating disorders, addiction -- which Jenna and too many other women have faced.

Though I cannot entirely relate to this porn superstar, I completely respect her for all that she has been through and accomplished. Jenna Jameson is a survivor. A strong woman who has become a powerful player in the adult industry, a best-selling author and a household name. I admire her for her strength of will and her trailblazing autonomy as a female performer in a tough business.

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I saw Memoirs of a Geisha the other day. It was a visually beautiful film. And I thought Gong Li was especially exceptional as Hatsumomo, the main character Sayuri's rival. The movie closely followed the novel. Yet somehow it made it all seem more sad. There were slight changes that seemed to tilt the tone in this direction (OK if you don't want any plot points spoiled, please read no further).

In the book, I don't recall Mameha screaming at Sayuri that she was "worthless" when her precious virginity was in question. Or Sayuri collapsing to the floor in tears when the Baron forced her to expose herself to him. And in the novel, Pumpkin did not declare the reason for her betrayal at all. Whereas in the film, she says to Sayuri, "You took away the only thing that mattered to me. And I wanted you to know how it feels." And of course, the film ended before she left Japan and re-settled in New York, which somehow struck me as less uplifting as well.

In the end, I am glad that the film did not glamorize the life of the geisha. Though I find it interesting how differently the book and movie affected me. After reading the novel, I stayed immersed in that world and let myself imagine what it would have been like to have been a geisha. Yet after the film, I did not feel any identification with these women.

I think a core difference is that in the novel, Sayuri spoke of her trials and tribulations with a soft, accepting tone. I suppose having little or no emotional reaction to events does not convey well, so for drama's sake the film was more charged and more negative.

One thing that I think is awesome about the movie is it's the first Hollywood production with an all-Asian cast. A few times while watching it, I would stop for a moment and look around the packed theater and marvel at how everyone was engrossed in the storyline, seeing Asian actors simply as people in a story rather than alien beings. I know there has been controversy in China and Japan because the three main actresses are Chinese rather than Japanese. Well, at least none of them are white pretending to be Asian as we have seen the past! Every step helps.

Christmas time brought me many gifts of books which I have been pouring through during my free moments. Dan Brown's DaVinci Code was a fun read. Despite its enormous popularity, I had no idea that the central premise had to do with the supression of the sacred feminine. Though it would seem the research behind the book is questionable, I appreciated how the author was able to portray goddess worship and ancient sex rites without seeming gratuitous or too off the wall. I believe the spiritual is so connected to the sexual and think it's a shame how the two have become so separate in the modern world. I have formulated specific ideas on this, but I know many would think that my vision is pretty outlandish. Perhaps a topic for another blog entry...

I was also given a book with the tongue in cheek title Are Men Necessary? by Pulitzer-prize winning New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd. I tried several times to read this collection of essays to the end, each time throwing it down in frustration. The author bewails society's zigzag trail of gender politics from the "let's go dutch" 1970s to the Botox addicted, stay-young-forever current age.

Yet the wall I repeatedly hit in her musings was a firm insistence on her part of some elemental differences between men and women which, at least for me, don't really exist. Her entire approach struck me as just so old-fashioned. Like her assertion that men can find cartoon characters like Jessica Rabbit and Disney's Pocahontas sexy, whereas women could never be attracted to a male cartoon character. I mean, when I was young I thought Linus from Peanuts was totally my type. I'm serious ;-) Then again, maybe I am just weird.

Just started digging into Jenna Jameson's memoir How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale. I have only skimmed the sections around the books's many hot photos (who says women aren't visual? please!), though I do plan on reading it from start to finish.

I went to high school in the San Fernando Valley -- the epicenter of the adult industry -- and my family spent a lot of time in Jenna's hometown of Vegas when I was growing up. And though I was a chaste and studious teen, I loved finding porn magazines, X-rated comics and erotic novels underneath beds, in the corners of cupboards, in the basement, and all those hiding places that never stay hidden. So I am curious to read her story, since in some ways it is familiar territory.

Of course, I don't expect to be able to relate to it all. Jenna Jameson's roots are in stripping. And dommes and strippers are like apples and oranges (or mangos and passionfruit -- that sounds sexier ;-) I know my stripper friends are disturbed by what I do. And frankly, I am disturbed by what they do. Yet we can still all hang out, party and support each other as we go about our wild lives. Cie la vie!

Safe, sane and consensual. That phrase gets thrown around a lot amongst kinksters. There is no doubt of its importance to me, as evident in the subpage I dedicate to the topic on my site. I have heard others say that the entire concept is flawed, based upon the false assumption that BDSM play should or even can be these things. "It's about losing control, not keeping things sane," said a long-time player.

Indeed, the energies unleashed in a scene can be frenzied and extremely powerful. I like to think of it as controlled chaos. Bottling up the essence of the dark furies and dancing with it for a few brief moments. The most common word used by submissives immediately after they have been topped by me is "intense." That's how I like it most of the time. Driving, urgent and unpredictable. It's a wild ride!

As for safety, this is of the utmost importance to me. When one embarks on certain activities there are always issues with which to be concerned. That is why the link on my homepage adds the word aware to the phrase: "Safe, Sane, Consensual and Aware." Awareness of what one is getting into at all times is key. And isn't it so much more comfortable when one can rest easy knowing that the highest degree of safety measures were employed? Then it's pleasure without the guilt. No matter how mean or nasty the scene turns, there must always be control on this level.

Consensuality is the most charged issue. We roleplay resistance. The slave pretends to not want to be subjugated and invaded, made to bow down like a dog or take it like a slut. The very idea of violating one's boundaries -- and thereby one's sense of egoic self -- arouses with the strength of the transgression. Yet the difference between fantasy and reality are worlds apart.

On occasion, I receive emails from someone who describes a seemingly unhealthy real-life situation of humiliation, degradation, cuckoldry and the like. Naturally, they are aroused by such victimization as well as ashamed and confused. I counsel these seekers to ensure that they surround themselves with caring individuals and protect themselves against nonconsensual exploitation.

Just because something turns you on doesn't mean it is right or good. There are so many ethical ways to have fun and get your jollies, why resort to preying or being preyed upon? It's been said more than a few times that if more people engaged in safe, sane, consensual power play there would probably be a lot less domestic violence and messy relationships. Now I'm sure that sounds like complete absurdity to lifestyle conservatives, but I tend to think it would be true.

I have received gratifying responses to my latest galleries. Some of you may recognize that a few of the photos are in fact not new, but were up on the site in the past. Why the turn-around? Ah well... My personal journey as a pro domme continues to engross with its many twists and turns. And this is an apt illustration of my development as I discover first-hand where each step takes me.

You see, one of the common beliefs amongst those in my field goes something like this: "In the beginning it is OK to have photos taken in softer, more revealing clothes. You are just getting started and you want to attract people in whatever way you can, so that you can gain experience. But as you become more seasoned, having built up a stable of slaves and amassed a collection of latex, leather and corsetry, your images should then evolve into ones of you in high fetish. And you should then be more covered up. Because showing a lot of skin may make you look vanilla or submissive and no one will take you seriously."

Earlier this year, when I had only my David Perry photos up -- the ones of me looking uber-domme and fetish fierce in my lovely Stormy Leather corsets and Lip Service pvc dresses -- I noticed that a more narrow range of submissives came to serve me. Though they were wonderful, respectful and sincere seekers, I began to miss having a broader spectrum of players within my stable. And so I decided to put up some of my sexier dungeon images in the Clad in Black gallery as well as add some sassy, funky pics into the Straponista gallery.

I have come to realize that what a domme wears is only one element. The clothes do not make a woman dominant. They certainly add a nice touch. But true power comes from within. I can have fun with many different looks. But there is no uniform to the femme domme essence. I do not believe in restraining myself to a limited aesthetic. I know I can dominate in anything I choose to wear -- or not wear, for that matter.

And so I come full circle. "I told you so," Sage said, when I discussed sprinkling in a few of my more revealing photos into The Gates profile. "But I had to experience it first-hand. I had to know," I said.

I experienced what some would say is the pinnacle of pro domination: a slick but not overtly sexual presentation on my website, adoring and generous slaves, and miminal eroticism in the form of strap-on play, worship or even release for the sub in session. Of course, I continue to appreciate generous spirits. And I am quite pleased with how I have honed my online presence -- now with my hot new galleries, it is even more complete. So I would never want to feel pressured to be more sensual than is my inclination. Yet at the end of the day, I know that I deeply enjoy the eroticism of slut training, the power of the unbearable tease, and the twisted fun of having a male slave clean up his pearly mess! Ha ha ha :-} Yes those are good things. Naughty and Nice...

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I was lucky enough to catch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on TV the other week. My, what a tasty treat that was! I was psyched to see it back, as they had to cancel last year's due to all the fuss over Janet Jackson's breast in the Super Bowl. Did you know that the most common gift I receive from my slaves are Victoria's Secret gift cards? I still have one in my wallet ready to spend when the mood strikes me. I actually took down the link on my wishlist at one point because I was getting so many! It's not high fetish, I know. Nevertheless, the Mistress very much appreciates these lovely tokens. This pic from my Clad in Black gallery features one of their sweet little slip dresses.

Finals time and I am a hopeless procrastinator. Thankfully for you, procrastination seems to be my best source of inspiration. I just re-tooled and added some new and classic pics to the Galleries on my xia-bdsm site. And yes, there are strap-on pics once again -- in fact, a whole gallery of gender-bending fun. Something so central to my erotic identity cannot be denied! Check it out here.

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     *****Happy Holidays*****

Astrology is a funny thing to me. I have met so many creative, put together, and seemingly intelligent people who are really into horoscopes, charting out signs and the like. Moon risings (or is it sun rising?), water signs, planetary crossings. My personality instinctively reacts against such concepts. I mean, it just sounds like so much mumbo jumbo. Yet I have to admit that the descriptions I've heard about my sign all seem pretty groovy, and much of it aligns with how I am.

Scorpio:

Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.

[From www.astrology-online.com)

So perhaps I should stop rolling my eyes every time I hear people go on about the zodiac. I mean, they do say Scorpios are the most powerfully erotic of them all -- how could I complain about that? ;-)

My latest guilty pleasure: American Curves magazine. I actually came upon the hard copy version in a Safeway magazine rack, of all of places. You should have seen the checkout boy when I brought it to the counter. He was flipping through the pages of "glorious glutes," holding it up and shouting to the other checkers to take a look. It was pretty funny.

I love how hard-bodied these fitness models look -- it takes me back to She-Hulk and all those sexy, buffed out comic book superheroines. It's nice too because these models look like mature, knowing women as opposed to emaciated little girls.

I'm not one to embrace one aesthetic over another. After all, I used to get constantly teased at a tender age for being all skin and bones. And while I definitely believe in the power of exercise, I still have a more slender body than these uber-muscular hotties. In this case, I say "Vive la difference!"

Promising developments on the transgender front...

Recently, the Supreme Court let stand a ruling that a transsexual police officer was wrongly demoted for dressing as a man at work but a woman off hours (and sometimes wearing makeup and long nails while on duty). He'll receive over $300,000 in restitution and have his legal bills paid. Impressive!

Hollywood continues to increase its coverage of transgender issues. This season, several new movies -- some generating Oscar buzz -- will feature prominent actors in gay or transgender roles. Breakfast on Pluto is by the director of The Crying Game and tells the story of an Irish transvestite and an Irish Republican Army militant. In Transamerica, Felicity Huffman of Desperate Housewives fame plays a transsexual who meets her teenage son for the first time. Capote, Brokeback Mountain and Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang also deal with these themes. It will be interesting to see how balanced a portrayal these films will pull off. Hopefully, shining light on the issue will bring us closer to acceptance and understanding.

On cable television, Sundance Channel’s reality series TransGeneration follows the lives of four transgender college students over the course of the 2004-2005 school year as they face academic, social and family challenges and confront their gender identity. Though I am not a big fan of the reality show format, I think this show will help illuminate the everyday concerns of transgender youth by giving us a view into their first-hand experiences.

In the realm of porn, transgender features are really hitting their stride. A series I highly recommend (and which is currently ranked #2 in AVN's specialty films rankings) is She-Males Invade Italy. Produced by Rocco Siffredi for Evil Angel, this series is a revelation. Seriously, this is some of the best porn I have ever seen. The scenes bring together hot Italians of 3 distinct persuasions: men, women and male-to-female transsexuals. There is one orgy scene with at least 15 people and everyone plays with each other. There is something so liberating in seeing this, the melding of gender, the tossing away of tired hang-ups, the pure joy of unadultered eroticism. If I were the director, the one tweak I would make would be to add a stronger femme domme element by having the women don strap-ons and have the men fully switch in and out of the receptive roles just as the women and TSs do. Now that would be hotter than hell ;-)

On a final note, a friend of mine gave me a copy of Alice in Genderland, psychiatrist Dr. Richard Novic's memoir of his triumphant struggle to balance wife and kids while at the same time fulfilling his ever-present desire to live life as a woman. By having an understanding spouse who allows him the freedom to explore his feminine side on his own (and even have a boyfriend), Dr. Novic finally finds peace and happiness.

I initially read Dr. Novic's story with the intention of gaining a better understanding of my cross-dressing submissives. Yet in the end, I found inspiration to be honest and assertive about my own needs and desires. We may not all look the same or have the same "parts," but I truly believe we can all learn from each other.

My birthday cake! We decided she needed a little something extra and added one lit candle to simulate a flaming strap-on. Fire walk with me!

I am actually still recovering from my wild celebration. I lost my voice amidst the revelry, slowly coming back (though I know some of you like that husky sound ;-).

I'll be at The Gates on Wednesday. Take care all. . .

Last night I saw the documentary Writer of O, which was featured in the San Francisco version of the NY-based CineKink film festival. I'm sure many readers are familiar with Story of O,which was published in Paris in 1954. The beautifully written tale of a woman's sexual and sadomasochistic submission -- shocking even by today's standards -- was an instant sensation. It was an immediate bestseller which sparked a literary revolution, becoming the most read French novel in the world by the 1960s. The book's official author was Pauline Reage, but the true writer remained hidden for many years. Only after reaching a ripe old age did Dominique Aury, an outwardly prim and proper editor of an influential French publishing house, reveal herself (She states in the film that she had waited until after her parents died. She then waited even longer because she felt her geriatric status would make it all a bit less scandalous!).

Though the documentary focused on the liberating qualities of Aury's novel, I was more struck by how her anonymity liberated her. It allowed her to truly express herself without censorship from herself or others. She states that what each of us is drawn to as a reader is something in the text which reflects the self. In this vein, I was seeing parallels with my own writing as Mistress Xia.

In the film, Aury says that the truth cannot be hidden in one's writing; that writing is truth. Indeed, I feel that my best work neccesarily involves an element of soul-baring. It is ironic that by having a pseudonym -- as well as not showing my face in photos --I actually feel more free to reveal myself. I don't have to think twice. I can simply write in peace.

Another interesting aspect to the film was the focus on the heroine of Story of O's destruction in terms of her desire to dissolve the self. To surrender completely to something greater than the individual will. To me, this sounds very similar to the spiritual notion of no self and of the oneness of all things. O's drive to lose herself can be seen within this larger context. She was searching for a greater meaning. Those who arbitrarily label such explorations obscene and immoral simply because of the sadomasochistic eroticism are not awake to the spiritual underpinnings.

I find the Story of O a powerful, erotically charged novel which arouses the complexity of life, love and womanhood. It is interesting to note that before she revealed herself, many people assumed that only a man could have written such a story. I attended the screening with a friend. She and I both said the same thing to each other,"I told a few people I was going to this tonight and they couldn't believe that Story of O was really written by a woman."

Love or hate it, this story of a woman's sexual subjugation was written by a woman -- an intelligent and established member of French literary society at that. In the film, Aury scoffs at the idea that women are supposed to be the upholders of a "greater morality". It is this thinking which blinded almost everyone to the truth of the work's authorship.

For myself, my initial fantasies often did involve an element of submission. But unlike the author of Story of O, who apparently had a vivid imagination but did little in real-life, I have lived out many of my fantasies. One's secret yearnings, once realized, change and evolve. Through my experiences, I progressed to an erotic headspace more in alignment with my core personality. I suspect if Dominique Aury actually had the opportunity to re-create some of her fantasies, that she would also have journeyed to another level. Perhaps then we would have a sequel, say the Story of X ;-)

I continue to appreciate Story of O as a whole, without overly identifying with any particular role or gender. Yet ideologically I have always been drawn to the femme domme. When I started my career as Mistress Xia, I saw the pursuit of female dominance professionally as the final piece of the puzzle for me. My head and heart were already there. I wanted my erotic center to be there as well. Why was this the last to come around? Skeptics may say that truly dominant women are born not made. And of course there is some truth to that. The challenge comes in finding oneself amidst the constraints put upon us as the "fairer" sex.

In this way, I see the bedroom (and the dungeon) as the final frontier. Even the strongest woman feels the tug of those deeply ingrained messages: "To be pretty is to be valuable as a woman. To be too assertive is to be unfeminine. To be unfeminine is to be ugly. And to be ugly is to have no value." So you can imagine with this line of thinking underlying so much of what it supposedly means to be a woman, even the most naturally dominant woman can be paralyzed in the erotic realm.

It reminds me of the strong conditioning boys and men experience about what it means to be masculine, especially the fear of being seen as weak, feminine or gay. In this sense, my dominance has been a coming out. It's strange because at times I have surprised myself by how well the role suits me. At first, it was as if I was just trying it on for fun. And now it so much more than that. I realize it is central to who I am and has always been. Accepting it now, I no longer have to be the angry feminist ranting at the vanilla world. I have crafted a little alternative universe with wonderful people all around me. And it feels great :-)

I have had some inquiries about my birthday, as some of you remember that it's coming up in early November. I do always get a kick out of saying that I was born on the day of the dead!

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Recently, I've been mulling over the concept of female supremacy. While I very much enjoy playing with the idea, I have come to the conclusion that I do not ascribe to the ideology per se. Rather, if there is any belief system underlying my style of domination, it would be that power roles cannot be defined by biology and should always remain fluid.

I embrace the femme domme/male sub dynamic for myself because I am dominant towards all my partners both male and female. Over and above my personal predilections, what I value about my work is how it turns convention on its head, thereby opening one up to the realization that alternative paths are possible.

I do not apply judgment to any of these roles. If I believed that only the dominant role were superior, then I would not respect the men and women who so generously submit to me.

Through my wealth of experience, personal insight and skills, I have a lot of confidence in being Mistress Xia. Yet I would hardly think the world would be a better-run place if all the men in charge were replaced by women. Certainly, it would be different. But to me, having one set of genitals versus another does not make one inherently superior.

I had a beautiful time the other day acting out a stern teacher/naughty schoolgirl roleplay with a girlfriend. My one age play fetish is topping a "teenage" girl. Isn't that everyone's? ;-)

For me, surrendering to a role can be cathartic in a way similar to meditation -- letting go of the overly identified self. When meditating, it's about going deeper, beyond our individual construct to a timeless and universal being. Emptying the mind for a few moments, ceasing the constant chatter of our thoughts. And perhaps observing in this space the real truth of the matter.

In roleplay, it can also be about stepping outside one's own restless, ego-driven and virtually permanent persona. Releasing into a different dimension of beingness in personality and action, thereby reflecting the commonality between us all and the possibilities for change. Watching oneself as another. Cleansing of the mental build-up which can block clarity and contentment. And if not breaking old patterns, at least bringing awareness to them.

Of course, roleplays can be acted out in a disconnected way. It can tap into a part of one's consciousness not normally accessible. In these cases, once the scene is over, it seems that all the emotions and even some of the memories of the experience are repressed back again. I find this may take place with individuals who have very little to say before or after the scene. When they cannot express excitement, fear or any emotion about what we are about to engage in, it all feels a bit out of touch.

As much as I love roleplay, I know it is not for everyone. I have a dear friend who is too much of a comedian to stay in any role without busting out laughing. "Hey that's OK," I tell him. "That's what hoods and gags are for!"

Sir

Occasionally, a submissive will mistakenly address me as "ma'am." I immediately let them know my dislike for this title. It strikes me as such a non-sexy word. When I hear it, things like the color beige and dusty antiques come to mind. It makes me think of a hard, matronly woman without a seductive bone in her body.

A word I do like is "sir." The Sci Fi series Battlestar Galactica -- the only thing I watch regularly on TV -- introduced the mercilessly authoritarian Admiral Helena Cain in the final episode of this season. Though her character is obviously too much of a fascist to be endearing, to hear the male Commander Adama address her as "sir" gives me quite a thrill. (I also like how the crisp, unisex uniforms -- form-fitting but not clingy -- allow Cain's power to both transcend and magnify gender.) And I believe the modern Star Trek series have also made the use of "sir" a neutral term. Most excellent!

Yes Mistress Xia Sir! Oh that has a nice ring to it, especially for some intense military-themed, protocol/discipline action...

Me and a few friends decked out in custom latex. Whoo hoo!

Mondays, Tuesdays & Fridays

I've been juggling around my schedule at The Gates as of late and I know there has been some confusion about my availability. Right now, I am taking sessions on Mondays & Tuesdays 3pm to 10pm and Fridays 10am to 5pm.

Beyond the current schedule, I am leaning towards switching one of my nights for a day, perhaps Wednesday or Thursday 10am to 4pm. If any of my submissives has a preference, do let me know!

Feels like Fall. I love this time of year -- when the sun is shining, the air is crisp, and the wind sweeps crackly dry leaves to and fro. Of course, there's no real winter to dread here in San Francisco. Coming from LA, I think I have a soft spot for changes in weather because they are such a rarity down there. Sunny all the time can get boring...

This weekend should be fun. Tomorrow is the Love Parade. And then Folsom Street Fair on Sunday!

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Cool news! The San Francisco Bay Guardian, our local alternative weekly, just came out with its Sex Issue and The Gates is ranked #1 in a list of their top 20 favorite things about sex this year.

I just logged into Blogger and the "Blogs of Note" link caught my attention. It was for one called Las Fashionistas, which reminded me of the Belladonna/Rocco Siffredi award-winning adult film Fashionistas, but this blog was actually about fashion and Hollywood! ;-) Coincidentally, this other blog had a little thumbnail pic of a kimono costume I just picked up at a Halloween store. I dig the bright blue color and dragon print. . .

Speaking of costumes, I recently updated my profile on The Gates to let everyone know how much I enjoy roleplays and scenes which involve uniforms and other exciting dress-up themes. Though I know some dominas do not like wardrobe requests and will not follow a script, I think dramatic play can be engaging and fun. And I for one do not necessarily see it as compromising one's dominance. Tapping into a submissive's most powerful fantasies and fetishes is key. So if my assuming a particular role engenders the right feelings in my submissive, then my control is that much stronger.

Certainly, I have no problem improvising off a script so long as the storyline is interesting and harmonious with a femme domme dynamic. I find collaborating in this way can be invigorating and highly creative -- having a blast thinking up dialogue on the fly, illuminating aspects of myself not usually revealed in scene, all the while clad in form-fitting uniforms, suits and other sleek attire. Sounds like a lively good time to me!

A Generous Spirit

For those with the means, giving over and above the donation set by The Gates is a thoughtful gesture of your appreciation for my superior standing as a domina. A tribute amount commensurate with one given to one of my peers in the independent realm is an excellent guideline. Of course, any additional gifts or monies are NOT a pathway to more explicit activities.

Have a wonderful weekend... gearing up for Folsom soon!

Whew! A moment to breathe and write a bit...

Just finished updating my Gates profile. For a microsecond I had my new pictures displayed at the top of my profile, leaving the earlier ones at the bottom. While I found the contrast between old and new to be an interesting representation of my development as a domme, in the end I decided to wipe the slate clean and start completely fresh. Anyways, it's best you see the tail-end of my evolution as that's where I want to play at the moment ;-)

One change some of you may have noticed with my personal site is the re-naming of my "slave profile" page to "submissive profile." I feel that the latter term is more all-encompassing. I am also sensitive to the fact that some do not like the word "slave" and all that is associated with it. I personally find the fantasy of sexual enslavement to be thrilling in its erotic complexity. Yet I am aware that some people have issues with the idea of anyone being a piece of property. I believe that there is a time and place for dominance/submission and the acting out of unequal power dynamics. And there is a time to forget roleplays and simply be egalitarian. As I have written on my site, I see individuals as humans first and foremost whatever one's self-identification. So while I do not ascribe to the philosophy of true ownership of one person by another, I very much enjoy playing with the concept of slavery and regard my being addressed as "Mistress" by those who serve me as an appropriate sign of respect.

Enslavement is intriguing not only as the concept of a contract between individuals but also in the idea of being "chained to one's passion" (actually a paraphrase of Madonna when asked to justify the image of her in collar and chains in the video Express Yourself).

I find the greatest source of control is via manipulation of a submissive's most deeply held desires. Surrendering all inhibitions to one's innermost cravings. And in this vein, I delight in my role as the tempter -- guiding and urging one on to... frenzied feeding, twisted bliss, the indescribable. I am reminded of a pivotal experience at Burning Man back in '96 during Pepe Ozan's first desert opera: painted naked bodies writhing in primal motion against the flames and chanting "Fire Tonight. Devil's Delight" over and over again. It was pure magic!

I regret that I haven't had a chance to post lately. Very busy with classes starting, final tweaks on my updated website and many sessions! Some of you have inquired as to what I am studying for. Nothing set (yet) in terms of specific postgraduate plans. I simply love continuing my education to further my personal growth, supplementing that fuzzy liberal arts degree with practical courses in science, finance and who knows what else.

Happy Labor Day and I promise to write more soon...

Xia-BDSM.com -- New Look & Photos

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From my recent photo shoot with David Perry.
This and more will be gracing my websites soon...

Wrapping up my Los Angeles trip, it has been scorchingly hot in the time I've been down here. It was in the 90s when I arrived and has cooled down a bit to the 80s. But boy, after living in mellow San Francisco for almost a decade, the weather here makes me feel like I'm melting!

This week has been filled with family, shopping and fun. I checked out the Los Angeles Fetish Ball on Saturday night at the Key Club. I bumped into Kumi there, among other fellow San Franciscans who made the trek south for the two-night event. Of course, there is the Slick fetish ball in the City when I get back. Actually, Slick is just one event in a series which starts today called "Five Days of Fetish". Should be a blast...

I had a great time hanging out at Jessica Kane's space where I ran into Pandora and met Kavaen Cloake who so kindly invited me to do a cameo in one of her scenes. All very cool ladies :-)

Gotta run and do some last-minute shopping. Nothing beats the clothes to be found in LA.

I had the pleasure of indulging in a new fetish the other day. Oh yes, it was so much fun! You see, a few weeks ago I was inspired to pay a visit to a smoke shop and purchase tobacco-free cigarettes so that I could do a smoking scene.

And so I was delighted when a submissive humbly requested his desire to be my human ashtray. We did a great roleplay where I was a conniving student blackmailing my perverted teacher. Yup, I was the bad girl, the kind who gets caught cutting class to smoke cigarettes in the bathroom. But boy did I get my revenge in detention ;-)

Whatever the scenario, I love the attitude one can embody when holding a lit cigarette between the fingers -- a haughtiness that can veer from breathy sophistication to swaggering brutality. Strutting around this helplessly enslaved man, blowing smoke in his face then grabbing his chin and tapping my ashes into his gaping mouth. The smoke swirling heavily around the darkened room, slowly exhaled from my softly pursed lips. Ah, what a wicked thrill.

Now I can almost hear some of my loyal slaves expressing concern for their Mistress' health. No worries my dear ones. I will not be turning into a chimney any time soon. I smoked on and off from my teenage years to my early 20s, mostly socially in the States and a little more when travelling. As they say, when in Rome... Anyways, I stopped altogether a few years ago at the behest of my lover who detested the habit.

Lucky for me, I have never felt any nicotine cravings. I simply liked the physical sensation and tactile experience of smoking. Now it's been so long since I've had tobacco in my system that if I try to smoke a real cigarette, I feel sick to my stomach.

So there you have it. Human ashtrays may apply for service immediately, to be used whenever the mood strikes me. Just don't expect any tobacco in that smoke!

Damn, I walked into Good Vibrations the other day to buy a new Malibu Terra-Firma and was told they no longer carry my favorite strap-on! Oh well, I guess I'll just have to look elsewhere. Not to badmouth the place. They did give out great little "care packages" at the dyke march during Pride weekend. Speaking of the march, I happened to be sitting in meditation all day when I got a call from another prominent local pro domme. She invited me to a gathering of sex workers at her dungeon that evening -- a pre-party of sorts for the big march. I arrived to find several other well-known and established players in the domme biz. It was great catching up with everyone, then heading outside to march in the sex workers contingent. We carried signs and chanted. Eventually I eased out into the crowd to watch all the lovely ladies. Serious pussy power. Yeah, I love that event :-)

The world can be a crazy place. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes awful. The madness in London. We hear of such things and are momentarily torn away from the petty crises of our daily lives. In the face of chaos and uncertainty, we are reminded of what really matters.

Truth be told, it is no coincidence that I began all of this -- being Mistress Xia -- shortly after the terror hit home in the U.S. I decided there was no time to waste worrying about what others might think. I wanted to live each moment to the fullest, pursue my dreams and share the gifts of my spirit with others. And so it goes... carpe diem my friends.

Get it?

This month marks my 3rd anniversary as a professional domina. It has been a wild, wonderful ride. And in many ways, I feel like I'm just getting my groove on, so here's to many more twisted, sexy and fun-filled encounters.

Some thoughts on the journey so far. . .

One of the first things I state on my homepage is that I am continually evolving in my philosophy of kink. I deeply believe in the ongoing nature of this work. My pro domme practice allows me to engage in intense self-exploration, as well as connecting me to truly creative, intelligent and grounded playmates of myriad perverse persuasions. I am fortunate in that I enjoy a broad range of interests and am still being introduced to new favorites along the way.

The process of learning and growing has been fundamental to my outlook as a domina. Though my core self leans towards perfectionism -- and this works very well for all the minutia involved in fantasy play -- I have pushed past my fear of making mistakes to take myself to even higher levels of development. Though I still cringe even at the thought of erring, I have found that the missteps have often led me down the path to greater truths.

Indeed, I now find it ironic how so many dominatrices market themselves as born perfect, always right and inherently superior. To me, superiority is earned through wisdom. I concede that there is a natural dominant essence that does shine through. Yet power is strengthened through its repeated exercise, refined in its level of sophistication through processing and integrating new information.

My ability to control all aspects of erotic submission has increased exponentially since I first started. In the last year or so it's really begun to feel like a well-oiled engine: my command over my slaves resting upon a solid base of knowledge, skills, experience and ease of execution.

To celebrate this milestone, here are a few photos of me in my ass-kicking platform boots. Casual pics inspired by Tomb Raider Lara Croft. Turning over some ideas for my next "serious" shoot...

An honorable mention to my slave from DC -- it was most exquisite to combine feminization and chastity training. The CB2000 in pearlized hot pink was brilliant! And it went so nicely with your sexy Victoria's Secret lingerie.

    

Boxers vs. Briefs?     I like 'em both . . .

I do love it when Rocco comes out to play! That's what I spontaneously called myself during one highly memorable scene where I cross-dressed in trousers and gave one of my sweet sissy slaves a serious course in slut training. A playful homage to that Italian stallion of porn, Rocco Siffredi ;-) Ever since that time, Rocco has made a number of sizzling appearances as my masculine alter ego.

There is something so exhilarating in transcending traditional gender roles, casting away the rigidity that is supposedly imposed by biology. The freedom of seeing masculine and feminine as two sides of a shared dynamic, where power is not permanently fixed to one or the other. A coin toss for dominance. Mistress Xia or Master Rocco.

There is someone I know -- an amazingly talented and beautiful artist and fellow perv who also happens to be transgendered -- who has offered to teach me a few techniques with body language and facial expression as well as make-up tricks and the use of things like shoulder pads to really bring the masculine illusion together. We've talked about going out on the town together with me dressed in drag and her on my arm. Just thinking about it gets me fired up!

If you haven't seen Preaching to the Perverted, this is definitely a movie any self-professed kinkster won't want to miss. It's a hilarious British send-up of the glamourous life of dominatrix and SM club owner Tanya Cheex -- yes with a name like that, you know this flick has a sense of humor! It also manages to be sexy and slick, with the Mistress sporting hot fetish gear in leather, latex and shiny chrome.

Unlike some in the fetish community, this film doesn't take itself too seriously ;-) Yet it presents a fairly accurate if highly dramatized (I mean what are movies for, darling?) picture of the femme domme lifestyle and philosophy. It even educates with a safe, sane and consensual lesson. And it throws in some laugh out loud 'insider' jokes about enemas, butt plugs and the like. It was so refreshing to see the at once bizarre and mundane aspects of being a dominatrix so openly and saucily represented. I wish there were more movies like this were made about my craft!

A lot of Preaching to the Perverted's plot revolves around a moral crusader's attempt to infiltrate an SM club to gather evidence to prosecute the Mistress on obscenity charges. Indeed, I find it strange how the idea of moral superiority has been taken hostage by a select few. In my own practice, when I sense that someone who is presenting himself to me believes that the activities we are engaging in are immoral, then I know that our time together will be brief. For when a man believes he is already sinning, he may feel that he can take certain liberties. As a "sinner", he feels he is off the hook when it comes to acting with common decency and consideration. And so then, his belief in his lack of morality becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sadly, I have had a few unpleasant encounters attempting to play with individuals who have these kind of hang-ups. People so ashamed of their desires that they do not respect themselves or anyone else who interacts with them on this level. Whether they simply project a feeling that I am morally compromised or go further and see me as the devil's consort, I find all of it so tiringly old-fashioned.

Now that doesn't necessarily mean we should drop all pretense of good versus evil during a play scene. If it were all just new-age affirmations that this is natural and healthy, where would be the fun in that? Learning to play with shame, to turn it into a game and not take it all so seriously -- there's the balance. After all, playing the devil's consort sounds like a deliciously devious roleplay to me...

One minute I'm sitting in Physics class watching a demonstration of static electricity with a Van Der Graaf generator. A few hours later I am whacking a willing submissive's bottom with an electrified bug zapper. Same concept, very different applications!

I get a kick out of finding continuity where it seemingly does not exist. A common thread where others only see randomness. Perhaps it's partly superstition, but I like to believe in meaningfulness over coincidence. And so with every person whose path crosses my own, I see our meeting as imbued with a greater significance. After all, we are all in this world together. And it is these heartfelt connections which nurture our growth and buoy our spirits.

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I've been very happy with my recent switch from playing one CD in session on repeat to running my ipod playlist. I organized my ipod with a long playlist of quality music for my scenes. Beautiful, ethereal sounds with otherworldly voices and primal rhythms. Smoothly flowing in energy from a soft, incremental build-up to a surging urgency and then back again. That's the kind of music I like to play in. More than just background noise, good music creates an atmosphere to revel in my dominance.

Since getting my ipod, I notice how many people walk around with those little white headphones tucked into their ears. A male friend of mine complains that it's mostly women and that they're making it even harder to approach them. Yet I definitely notice a lot of men plugged in as well. Well, it makes sense that we are more observant of our objects of attraction. Or in my case, the people who would normally be paying attention to me ;-) There is a certain contentedness that comes with going about the day with one's very own soundtrack. Yet there is also something disconcerting about it. Another layer of insulation from cold, hard reality? It makes me think... Oh there's that M word again. It is like the Matrix already, isn't it?

My last entry seems to have struck a chord with some of you. Shortly after posting my thoughts on chastity training, I received a number of inquiries from those curious about this special form of submission.

Such a positive response heartened me, as I initially had some reservations in writing about chastity. Would readers take it to mean that I am a prude? Yet in the end, I brushed these concerns aside because I wanted to convey the powerful and seductive effect this training had on me as the Mistress -- indeed, that energy exchange goes both ways.

Every time I venture into unexplored territory, my loyal slaves keep up with me. And with each step forward, I find other worthy slaves presenting themselves to me. Oh yes, I feel blessed by the abundance.

I had a wonderful double session the other week with the lovely Mistress Zara. Our combined experience and genuinely dominant presence made for a delightful time, at once luxuriously relaxed in our power and excited at the opportunity to toy with a slave together. Mistress Zara shares my interest in chastity training. I do feel fortunate to be able to discuss the finer points of femme supremacy with a seasoned cohort of The Gates.

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A few words of appreciation to two slaves (you know who you are) whose generosity have inspired a love of leather in me. It took me a while to use that first gift certificate to Stormy Leather, as I had always thought leather to be more fitting for bikers or cowboys. Yet I have grown to really enjoy the earthy smell of new leather -- whether it's a tightly-laced custom corset on me or an even tighter laced arm restraint on my slave. Leather makes a sexy, supple second skin. It can be manipulated into many textures and colors. And it breathes a lot more than latex, that's for sure! I now own a beautiful dark purple leather victorian corset, am awaiting delivery of a metallic red and black leather military corset (seen here on the cover of DDI) with skirt and gloves, and will be getted fitted shortly for a gun-metal gray and black leather corset (on the cover of Skin Two). I'm planning a photo shoot this summer to highlight my new pieces.

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OK you might by tired of hearing me go on about how I dig hot tranny porn. Too bad ;-) Brazil is coming out with some great stuff. Like Teenage Transexual Nurses: hot shemales in cute, little nurse uniforms dominating hard-bodied young men. Tying them up, slapping them around, giving them enemas and dildoing their asses! Also caught some excellent group scenes with T-girls, men and women with strap-ons all playing together. What I really grooved on was the almost gender-neutral vibe. How everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves -- and taking turns topping -- without all the silly homophobic constraints on behaviour. It's as if the presence of a transgendered liberates everyone from the bonds of conventional gender & power roles. Perhaps we are finally figuring out that we do not have to be slaves to our biology. As a pro domme and a true believer in what I do, I suppose it makes sense that I have found TS porn to be the most in line with my sexuality. Vanilla porn almost always has this femme sub undercurrent, which is one way of having fun but certainly not the only way!

Essential to my enjoyment is absolute control. And what better way to control than through chastity training? I have had the pleasure of expanding my experience in this area over the past few weeks. The level of satisfaction I felt in the act of muzzling my slaves was unexpected even to myself. While certainly not appropriate for everyone, it can be a highly stimulating means of conveying power.

Occasionally in the past, a new slave has presented himself to me already locked in a CB2000 or other chastity device. At the time, seeing their precious parts all locked up as they knelt at my feet did nothing for me. Now my previous reaction makes real sense to me. For if I did not order the muzzling, where is the excitement for me?

You see, what excites me about chastity training is the act of so directly restraining the slave's urges. The physical presence of the locking cage increases a slave's awareness of my control. It heightens lust by bringing attention to the groin area, yet continually teases the slave with zero access to relief on his own. And the fact that the slave must sit down to urinate heightens his vulnerability and my sense of control over his masculinity.

Such training may deepen the the Mistress-slave connection, allowing a peak into the type of bond formed when the servitude goes beyond the few hours spent in session. I have found it to be especially effective for my out-of-town slaves who ask to serve me on several occasions during their brief visits. A series of sessions over a week or two with chastity integrated into the training can be very intense! And I believe it adds a whole new dimension to one's entire trip. Attending a business meeting while secretly wearing a cock cage can certainly spice up one's day :-)

Below is an excerpt of an email sent to me by a sweet slave during his period of chastity.


LOVELY MISTRESS:

i fell asleep peacefully last night having pleasant thoughts about YOU. As i lay there with the cage in place, i began thinking of how much i respect YOU. It is much more than the respect of a MISTRESS-slave relationship. i absolutely respect YOU as a SUPERIOR FEMALE and have the highest regard for YOUR skills as a MISTRESS. i crave to cower before YOU and worship YOU as the MISTRESS that YOU are. On another level, i deeply respect YOU as a person.

i appreciate YOUR openness and expression of care for me and others that you dominate. i respect and admire YOUR desire for learning and YOUR converting that into action. i admire YOUR openness to new experience and YOUR knowledge that YOU grow through such new experiences. i admire and respect YOUR own self-awareness, so eloquently expressed in YOUR BLOG and in person. i admire YOUR admission that YOU are learning more about YOURSELF and changing YOUR expectations as a result of this knowledge. i admire YOUR lack of fear of change. i admire and respect YOUR independence of thought, action, and course. YOU are a strong WOMAN who deserves the upmost respect and admiration. i could go on and on. All of this contributes to a SUPERIOR WOMAN who deserves complete adoration.

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FYI My replies to emails from yahoo addresses are bouncing back.

I love San Francisco. It can be such a fun, freaky and sometimes unpredictable city. I was in the Castro on a beautiful sunny day last week browsing through sex shops for cool gear. I found some nicely made leather gags that were much more reasonably priced than the more prominent local SM shops. I must relate a funny exchange I had while in one store. When I asked the young clerk where the gags were, he pointed me to a bin full of novelty toys.

After a moment of sifting through the junk, I spotted an array of gags behind the glass counter. "Oh here they are!" I exclaimed. "Oops," he said. He had thought I had meant gag gifts :-)

I had him pull out an O-ring gag and began to examine it. He looked a bit mystified and seemed to want to say something. Finally he spoke up. "Can I ask you something?" he said a bit hesitantly. "Sure," I said. I was half expecting a little attitude, being a pretty straight-looking woman in a gay sex shop. Instead he asked, "What is that for?" I smiled. He was serious. When I explained that it was to hold a slave's mouth open so you could do things like piss in it, he looked stunned. "I had no idea," he said slowly.

He asked me how I knew so much. I told him I was a professional dominatrix. "What's that?" he asked. "I get paid to top people," I replied. "Wow," he said, "and you can make a living doing that?" I assured him I could.

I then asked the price of an electroplay butt plug attachment and ended up explaining how that worked as well. He seemed genuinely clueless, which was highly amusing given his current employment. It seemed as if he had just gotten off the bus from middle America. "I've only worked here a few weeks," he explained, "and we just got the SM stuff in the other day. But I really want to learn about it all."

"Well, you're in the right place," I said as I left with my purchases.

After popping in and out of a few different shops, I ended up with a nice collection including the o-ring gag and a gag with a mouth filler in the shape of the head of a cock. I also couldn't help but grab a small white hand towel with the word "SLUT" emblazoned in big black letters. That'll be fun to toss at one of my slaves once the slut's been all used up and worn out!

Shopping is definitely a rush of its own. Yet there's nothing quite like picking up a few kinky items to put a perma-grin on my face.

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The other night I attended a male to female transexual beauty pageant: Model Search 2005 (www.modelfile.net). TS pageants always get me hot. I love over the top sexy women with a twisted edge, so how could I not like T-girls? Many are natural dommes, as their world is by definition a detour from the "norm" and they often combine the aggressiveness of a man with powerful feminine wiles. I can relate to their high sense of aesthetics. After all, I was raised in Hollywood so I dig a little eye candy now and then :-) The Model Search was a fun, feel-good event for a community that remains in the periphery of society. Fortunately, awareness continues to grow -- as evidenced by last year's winner Cassandra making a guest appearance on an episode of the TV show CSI.

I have a thing for good tranny porn. Ever since I turned pro domme, I've had some difficulty watching straight porn. For better or worse, I can no longer fully appreciate the traditional perspective of the male gaze. I am much more critical of how the men try to top the women, wondering whether the women are enjoying themselves and if the working conditions seem to be acceptable. So I am thankful for the recent surge of quality TS porn for saving my viewing pleasure. There's steamy action with masculine and feminine energy. At the same time, I'm not overly identifying to the point of distraction. Some level of objectification is necessary for my arousal!

Model Search 2005 winners

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I am a woman who knows the dirty thoughts that flicker through men's minds. The undercurrent of sexuality is an invisible force I enjoying playing with. Indeed, it has led to many titillating adventures. Deciphering this language of deep desire happens on a primal level -- the insinuation of subtle cues, the movement of one's body, the direction of one's gaze. Not so much on a conscious level, these feelings of hunger and yearning poke and prod just underneath the surface. It can be especially thrilling to sense these urges within an austere setting where such thoughts are supposedly prohibited: the office, school, even church. Oh yes, that is being bad now isn't it? To feel like a sinner, that's hot.

Then again, I find that those who best manage the paradox of desire -- that inexorable pull to do that which is forbidden -- are the ones who face these urges head on with lightheartedness and kindness. It's the ones who run away from their desires who often have the real hang-ups. Yet it's a balance, as some level of restraint and even shame intensifies one's passion. And there it is, for that's so much of what domination is about: the interplay of restraint and desire. Teasing, teasing, teasing... and denial. Not denial of all pleasure, rather a deliciously depraved detour from the established paradigm of male sexual fulfillment. Playing with the complexity and the conflict, which manifests so well in the dichotomy of pleasure and pain.

In my experience of playing with men's desire, I have driven some into a wild, unthinking frenzy. How many times have I heard the line "I can't help myself!"? So naturally, it should come as no surprise that I would not be satisfied with anything less than complete and utter control over my men. Binding you up to restrict your movement, exposing and tormenting your body to train you to my will, rewarding obedience with the softness of my skin -- if only for a few torturously brief moments. This is how I like to play with men. For if you can't control yourself, I certainly will. . . and enjoy every tantalizing moment of it.