Friday, August 10, 2007

Popularity, Exclusivity and Taking the Leap

I am a sucker for analytics. Like Alexa, which allows you to see how websites rank in terms of overall traffic on the internet. Since I launched it in '03, www.Xia-BDSM.com has consistently been in the top 500,000 of all sites online. In the month or so that I had it down recently, it decreased to 830,000. Now that it's back up, it's climbing ever higher and is currently in the area of the top 750,000.

So part of me was happy to see the traffic go down, losing all these casual viewers who have probably never sessioned with me and never will. I am by nature a private person, and in that sense a lower profile appeals to me.

Predictably for me ;-) I am a bit torn. We are all taught from a young age that popularity is important and desirable. We are witness to the darker side of too much attention, with the growing feeding frenzy invasiveness of being a Hollywood celebrity. Yet people still run towards it, like moths to a flame.

I suppose that's why I've always tried to have my cake and eat it too. By creating a web presence that's a force to be reckoned with, while at the same time hiding my face and keeping my number unlisted.

Who knows what the future holds. Moving towards more exclusivity may be the natural path. Perhaps one day it will make sense to have my entire site be password-protected, as the amazing Mistress Simone Kross has done.

Earlier in my career, it was much more impactful for me -- in ways both positive and negative -- to be mentioned in an online venue or receive some other public sign of my high demand. Yet after the novelty of such attention wore off, I found such matters to be of far less significance to me.

I've become less tossed about in the swirls and eddies of group opinion, retaining my flexibility while gaining greater stability. I have felt myself move closer to true authenticity as a domina as I've come into my own. It has been a process of building up what I thought I needed to bolster my case, then letting all that became extraneous fall away.

I am a planner, yet I have learned in life to allow the organic to unfold. Admittedly, it was challenging to have so much stripped away. It was time for those last few scraps of security blanket to be put down. One by one they fell: my over-reliance on strap-on skills, my clinging to The Gates, my ego addiction, even my use of private fantasies and relationships to color my view during scene.

I realized that these were all barriers to being present in the here and now with my submissives. My deepest fear was that if I let them all go, I would no longer enjoy playing with them. I did not entirely trust myself, and thought I needed to resort to these mental slights of hand.

Then there came a point where I knew that if I couldn't take pleasure in this craft without fooling myself in one way or another, it was no longer worth pursuing. I took the leap. And I flew!

By being brutally honest with myself, I find that I am now surrounded by people of the highest caliber and revelling further in the sweet fruits of my femme power. Faith works wonders.