Argh! Photo shoots can be so nerve-wracking. I admit I don't make the best model. I much prefer being the director rather than the one being objectified. But I also know that I've gotten very nice results in the past and I have lots of visual concepts in my head. Plus it'll be nice one day years from now to pull out some of my best pics and be able to say, "Yeah, that was me." Though I'm so glad I have many other faculties besides my looks to go on. I have friends that have had their browliner, eyeliner and lipliner permanently tattooed along with most of their body hair permanently lasered off. They say they want to look good all the time, whether they're shopping for groceries or working out at the gym. For me, sometimes I like to dress down in some loose-fitting plain outfit, glasses, hair pulled back and no make-up and just be invisible. The visual is so powerful in our society. Eye candy is truly an opiate for the masses. Yet like a drug, alone it carries no real substance beyond the fleeting high. It's in concert with something working at a higher level that it's power is properly utilized.

Since the house was so busy last night, I ended up having to do my last session in the upstairs sitting room. It's our smallest room. I was quite pleased with being able to negotiate a scene in a space not much bigger than a walk-in closet! I brought in a lot of my own toys and tools, and it ended up working out very well. It has a cute little purple sofa and lots of mirrors, with one wall of shaded windows that brings in some light during the day. Its coziness and decor can work for the right scene (eg shorter sessions with office, medical or other roleplays that work best outside of a dungeon setting). I could have done the scene in the boudoir, but that is my least favorite room. It has a bed in it with white sheer curtains around it. It is equipped with cross-dressing accoutrements, so it can be good for that type of play. But in general, I find it too vanilla. And it can be hard to convey the essence of BDSM to a novice in such a setting. Though regardless of where I have to play, I know that I can make it work out. Confidence in one's ingenuity is part of what being a domme is all about.

Isn't it always this way. Just when I post a diss of Victoria's Secret, I spot not one but two of my Gates sisters looking stunningly sexy in said lingerie. Not a bad way to be contradicted!

For me, being a pro domme has become as much about being a part of a group of kinky, like-minded women as it is about being worshipped by men. I love how everyone is happily twisted and open-minded, both unabashed in their unique eroticism and the control they exert over it.

Though I've only been a pro domme for a year and a half, I've been involved on and off in the fetish and BDSM scene for over 8 years. When I go to a community event, I don't advertise that I'm with The Gates. Some may suspect or happen to know, but most are discrete enough not to inquire. And by not flashing my "credentials," I get a more true reaction from people -- based on genuine affection (or not!) rather than status recognition. And I know some great people this way :-) It also works the other way around for me. Meaning that I have to prove myself rather than rely on reputation. It helps push me to reach out and grow rather than rest on past achievements or the impetus of others.

People often say that they want to be recognized for an achievement based solely on merit rather than outside influences. For example, you hear celebrities who act and then want to try their hand at singing say this. Or relatives of celebrities trying to make it big say that they want to do it on their own talent rather than nepotism. Yet if this really were the case, wouldn't they change their name and never mention their other achievements or connections? Myself, I enjoy being able to start fresh and strike out in new worlds. There are so many wonderful little subcultures to explore.

And with regards to the nature of my work as a "paid player," I prefer being low key as to avoid the false perception by some that I can be bought. Being a woman who has always rejected the traditional male-female dynamic which involves the man paying for the woman (the most obvious sign being the rock on her finger -- the insinuation being the bigger the rock, the more she is worth), I am particularly sensitive to this. I've never really played the dating game. Although I know some like to think of it this way, I never look at a session as a romantic date. I see the fact that I'm paid as compensation for my time as any professional expert would expect. I'm just lucky enough to have a really fun gig, with caring friendships among those who submit and serve me.

At The Gates dinner we had the other night, I got into a discussion of marriage. My aversion to marriage has more to do with its vestiges of male dominance: the engagement ring, the giving away of the bride, the ever-present sense that this is more a favor to the woman than the man. And all the conventions that go with it without question: that it's the woman wears the engagement ring and is given away, that it's the woman who changes her last name, then becomes the primary child caretaker. So many gender fixations that I find limiting.

Anyways, so this is all very real for me. To live a twisted life. I couldn't live any other way. And after all, the basic code of life comes in an inversely matched, twisted pair (i.e. DNA), so who's to say that the perverts aren't the most aligned with the laws of nature?

Last night The Gates went out on the town for a high fetish dinner. It was a blast to see so many lovely ladies dressed up in shiny, skin-tight latex and curve-accentuating corsetry. Lady Madeline Claval and Mistresses Kaya and Elka were in attendance as well as most of the ladies who make up the current house. Props to our headmistress Domina Sage for treating us all -- damn, did she look hot in an all black rubber cat suit with plunging neckline!

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I envision the play scene in terms of an equal energy exchange. In order for it to be a genuinely reciprocal exchange, this requires that my slave give me some of their power, trusting that I will give it back in the form of domination and control leading to their own submission. It is a two-way street. When it is lopsided, then one party may feel weakened as their energy is being leeched away. I believe, like many of my cohorts, that BDSM and fetish play can be a healing experience. This runs contrary to popular opinion, which focuses on the veneer of unhealthiness attached to the very labels we use to describe it: perversions, fetishes, torture, humiliation, degradation. Yet it is the aspect of turning these powerful forces -- which are typically channelled into the negative and destructive -- into the positive and productive. There may still be destruction, but there is also rebirth. The balance is in maintaining it as a cathartic rather than draining experience.

Following upon this idea, I see my dynamic with any particular slave to be just that: a dynamic, evolving experience. We build upon previous scenes, each one being a layer of intricacies, as we get closer to a space of pure bliss where dualities -- such as pleasure and pain, male and female, darkness and light -- blur into meaninglessness. When someone initially approaches me wanting something very special and wicked (e.g. forced bi or public exposure), they need to understand that I do not treat an unknown as I would a loyal slave. It is far better to ingratiate yourself with me first through sincere one-on-one servitude and devotion, then bring up these desires. And know that though it may take only a few moments for you to think it up in your head, it takes time and resources in the real world.

Gong Hay Fat Choy! Happy New Year :-)

I just got the Victoria's Secret Valentine's Day catalog. Very hot! It certainly makes for beautiful soft porn, what with all those sexy Brazilian models like Adriana Lima. But I have to let you in on a little secret -- though there may be some exceptions, most women I know (and yes, they are young and fit) have found that the actual merchandise quality leaves much to be desired. I know that for those photo shoots, they often use what's called fashion tape and other alterations to make even the most ill-fitting clothes hug the body. Well, I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and I do very much appreciate the gift certificates I've received from Victoria's Secret. But after going back and forth to UPS for returns several times, I have taken it off my list of preferred shops. No worries, I did find a few keepers that I'll be using in an upcoming cheesecake photo shoot -- look out for new pics on my site soon! So though it has a more "trashy" reputation, I have had a lot of luck with Frederick's of Hollywood lingerie. Just goes to show, you can't always judge a book by its cover model ;-)

Those interested in serving me should know that there is a price to be paid for the privilege of being in the presence of a true domina. And I don't mean the monetary tribute. I mean a psychic offering to the goddess. Something one relinquishes that leaves one vulnerable. Like when a dog rolls on its back and exposes its neck to the alpha in the pack -- a sign of trust and deference to superior power. There are some seekers I have encountered who seem to think that simply paying for my time should earn them the reward of body worship or other purely sensual experiences. Yet I never engage in such activities lightly. They are in fact rewards. And they require work to get there. Be it in the form of suffering for me: the sting of the lash, restricted and contorted in bondage, hot wax on bare skin, nipples twisted and pinched, cock and balls tightly bound and laden with weight. Or stripping oneself of one's ego by exposing oneself to humiliating and degrading acts. Or being my bitch by fellating my strap-on cock, then opening oneself completely to my plundering. I believe the very nature of true submission requires a pushing of oneself to the outer layers of one's comfort zone. I don't necessarily mean being hard-core in the sense known as edge play. But simply being open to the twist.

I just finished the novel Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. It's the story of the Wizard of Oz from the witch's point of view. OK but what's really frustrating is this: on the back cover it mentions that the Tin Man is the victim of domestic abuse. But I could not find that at all in the actual story. It's crazy! I've even posted to craigslist about it to try to get an answer. That's what's nice about reading in groups like a book club or a literature class -- you get to discuss all the finer points and vent about the inconsistencies. The last book club I was in were more interested in talking about the latest reality TV show than the book we were supposed to be reading, so I quickly gave up on them. Perhaps time to find another. . .

It's come to my attention that some emails sent to me over the holidays may have been lost. My site was temporarily down over Christmas, so if you sent me a message at that time I probably did not get it.

A new lady recently joined us at The Gates. Her name is Reyna and she is a beautiful petite black and polynesian mix. Her presence brings a nice new flavor to the house. It's been my experience that dommes of color encounter a lot of the same issues within the BDSM and fetish communities -- from how issues of power relate to one's personal history of oppression to annoyance at ethnic stereotypes and cultural misunderstandings to commonalities in how we celebrate and perceive life -- so I've found this support network to be an especially important resource for me. Everyone's so busy, but it would be great if someone (yeah I know, it's always someone else!) would organize a little get-together like that photo shoot by Andrew Morgan. That's our very own Mistress Clarissa in the middle top row, third from left. Doesn't she look hot!?! ;-)